Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I have nothing profound to say

Just the same ol same ol, that I miss Genesis every. single. day. Today was kind of a "blah" day. It was neither bad nor good... maybe slightly sad. Im not really sure what emotion it was, just not myself. 

Perhaps it got that way because today on the freeway I saw a horrible accident. Well the aftermath of one. The car was flipped over on its roof and there were two fire trucks, a ambulance and tons of cops. As we got closer I saw that most of the people were outside of the car. There were two adult women. One of them was carrying a toddler girl. Then there were 3 more toddlers standing next to the car, two boys and a girl, and an infant in a car seat. The baby in the car seat was crying and there was a fireman crouched next to him trying to comfort him. It just broke my heart to see this. It looked like they may have been trying to get one more person out of the car but I cant imagine any more people stuffed in such a small car. The good news was that everyone seemed ok but that scene brought me to tears. I can only imagine how scared those poor little kids were. And how traumatic it was for everyone and how things could have been much much different. After seeing this I was just a little more down today. I guess I should have been happy they were ok but it only reminds me how delicate life is. How easily things could have gone the other way, like with Genesis. 

Anyway, I wish that I would dream of Genesis every night. Truth is I rarely do. I only had one dream of her when I was pregnant with her. All I can remember is this older baby...maybe 8-12 months. I dont really remember her face but I remember her eyes. They were the biggest and roundest most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were honey colored. That always stood out to me. Since then I cant really remember any dreams about her though I know there have probably been a few. Well last night I had another dream about her. She was in my arms and I could see her face. My dream was bad though. Plain scary and horrible. I dont know what my dream meant, if anything. Here is what happened:

I was meeting another BLM. She just had her baby. I dont recall who the BLM was, or if she had a boy or a girl, or where we were. But she showed me this tiny baby... Im guessing the baby was born around 24 weeks gestation. I had the feeling it was a boy though it wasnt clear. The baby was beautiful. He was resting on his right side, asleep in death, and was covered with a blanket up to his waist. He was just beautiful and I remember telling his mother that. I asked if I could touch him and she allowed me. His skin was so cold, yet so very soft. I felt so much love when I touched him. I then introduced her to Genesis. I had Genesis in my arms in a blanket. She was pretty big. Probably about the size of a 4 month old. In my dream the top of her head had closed (remember her birth defect?) but it was flat. She looked really odd to me. Not just her head but her whole body. She almost didnt seem human. I remember telling the other BLM about how she was stillborn but then she started moving in my arms. We both didnt think anything of this and I remember thinking how I wished things were different. She really started to move after that. I mean like trying to get out of my arms and climb all over me... kind of like holding a monkey that just wants to play. Only I didnt get that it was a playing kind of vibe. It was more of a zombie vibe. I remember that she looked almost skeletal. I remember I could feel the bones move under her skin and I was scared I was going to hurt her. While I was trying to gently hold her she turned to try and bite me and I saw these enormous teeth. It was more like fangs of a wild animal. And she bit my arm and I felt the pain of the flesh being ripped off my arm and her teeth sinking into the bone in my arm. I woke up after that. Im a bit bothered by this dream. I wasnt watching any movies or shows on tv that could have come up with this crazy dream. I dont associate anything in the dream with Genesis but that's the dream I had. Very odd. 

UPDATE: so I was doing a google search to find a picture of the honey colored eyes that I saw that Genesis had in my dream. I found a photo that looked like it and this is the link that photo was connected with: http://kimbyrleigha.tumblr.com/. Did you see the title of the first post at the top of the page for Sept 16th? "Genesis Laser Treatment". This has got to be a sign of some sort. Ive never seen or heard of this site before and for it to have her name on it is just amazing to me. The color for Genesis eyes can be found in the post titled "I love eyes! They come in so many colors!" from August 5th.


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