Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Flashbacks

The other day I met another BLM online and we were sharing stories of our babies and I suddenly remembered something that I had forgotten. There are all these little details that at the moment I wished I could forget but now that I have forgotten it I wish to remember it. Any memory of Genesis is a memory I treasure.


This memory was about my induction. My doctor told me to come in at 6:00 am and that I would probably go home later that evening when "it was all over with." Well they couldn't have been more wrong. They induced me with Cirvidil. It was this tiny little white pill about the size of an aspirin. It was painful to have it inserted. My doctor told me that the most pills that she has ever used prior to me for an induction was 5 pills. So there I was, pill after pill, day after day and nothing was happening. Nothing at all. The whole time at the hospital they did not let me eat a thing because labor could kick in at anytime. 


There was a point on day 4 of this craziness, that my doctor comes in my room and tells me that the induction isnt working so far and the alternative. She told me about a clinic that will do their form of induction. Im not sure what the term for it is called but here is what she told me would happen there. They would stick toothpick like things into my cervix and it would drain all the amniotic fluid out. Once that was out she told me they would use a vacuum to suck out the "fetus". With this method the fetus would be destroyed... limbs would be ripped off, dismembered and pretty much demolished. I knew at that moment that I would never be doing that and if the induction didnt work then it was because it wasnt supposed to happen. I would have carried as long as I could in the pregnancy. Sure enough the next day, day 5 & 8 pills later,I finally went into labor and delivered my perfect stillborn baby girl at 5:21 pm.


But thinking back at the way my doctor described this procedure...and knowing that there are clinics that actually do this makes me want to throw up. I cant believe my doctor told me all of this as I was going through the most horrific event of my life. I feel like crying and throwing up just thinking about it. I dont know how I totally forgot about this conversation for so long.

And as a side note, when I got pregnant with my first rainbow, it's at that point the doctor chooses to tell me that anytime you have a second trimester induction, the subsequent pregnancy has a risk of a shortened cervix and preterm labor. I was in shock that she didn't tell me this at the time. I don't know if it would have made a difference on me agreeing to do it that way but that's a big enough issue were I would have wanted to be told. 

3 comments:

Antoinette said...

OMG Tiffany, that is so scary to hear the details!!! i would say that I'd rather be in the induction process for a week (but i didnt experience that mine was 20hrs) but to hold the baby......im so sorry that this dr said that and i hope one day when you meet with that lady at the hospital you tell her this story so that maybe another person never has to hear those awful words!! wonder why they didnt do pitocin on you...they started me with a pill under the tongue and after 14hrs they did pitocin (I think its mostly a blur with the times) and that helped the process....im sorry you are getting flashbacks of the bad stuff =(

Michelle said...

Makes me wonder why induction is even a standard procedure. Do you know? I would think that as long as mom is fine (not eclamptic, no infection) that 'nature' could take it's course. Since I haven't been down that particular road I don't know what that means on an emotional level though. Just thinking out loud. That is horrible that she was basically refering you to what sounds like an abortion clinic. No wonder you forgot until now...the mind puts terrible things like that far away in our memories sometimes. Sorry you even remembered it.

Tiffany said...

Wow, the thought didn't even occur tome that she may have been referring to that. I hate the "A" word. My OB told me continuing the pregnancy would make me ill. She didn't elaborate and I was too in shock to ask questions.

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