Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ever feel like you cant win?

Like Ive said many a time before, I love the support there is in the BLM community. Its one of the kindest and most loving "support groups" out there. But just like in everyday life, BLMs are all unique in their own way. No two peoples story is alike. No two people have the same circumstances. No two people feel the same pain. No two people grieve the same way. No two people are changed the same way. So sometimes its challenging to give the right type of support to each person. Here, maybe this poem might show you a glimpse of what I mean:

You can't win with me
If you say to me " How are you going?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.
If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.
So I reply "Thank-you".
That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.
If you don't know what to say to me that's okay because I don't know
what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh don't assume I must have
forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.
Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered
a wave of grief in me.
If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, it might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble, however trite you might feel they are
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.
I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.

But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.
Written by Jane Warland 1996

I try and be as supportive as I can to my fellow BLMs. I know they need it and I know they need to be heard. I do the best as I can being an imperfect human and with just my own experience to reference. I feel that a few times my words of support may actually hurt them more. I certainly dont mean to do that, and I have not been told directly or indirectly that they have... but I get the feeling sometimes that I just cant say the right thing. 

Just like when a non BLM may try to say something to me that is well intentioned but hurts. I know they dont mean it but it pisses me off. I dont want to be that person to one of our own, but how can I know until its too late? Some people say its better to say nothing than something that could hurt. While I agree that not hurting is better than hurting, I personally get hurt when the subject is ignored and nothing is said. Like the post title says, you just cant win. Everyone is different and interprets things differently and unfortunately well meaning words can and will continue to be taken the wrong way. And for that I am sorry if I ever caused that to anyone. But I feel good knowing I said something and tried rather than ignoring someones feelings when they were in need. And if this person is dear to me and a real BLM supporter, then we will work it out in the end and know that we both already went through enough pain and dont need to add to it and we will overcome it, and be even closer friends.

(just in case you were wondering this was not written with any specific person or persons in mind, Im just putting a general thought out there into blogland)


croleyc69 said...

What a beautiful post. So very true. Thanx for sharing the poem.


Lisette said...

Very true and very well written. I can relate to this post so much.

That poem is perfect too!!! ((HUGS))

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