Since March 16th, 2007, I have seen death in a whole new way. I had never had a death of a close family member. My parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... the are all still here, thank you Lord. I actually did have a great aunt pass that I was somewhat close to. I say somewhat because I was so young and I wasnt able to process death at that time. I remember going to her viewing and seeing her lifeless body with her mouth open. I remember my grandmother going up to her and closing her mouth. I know, an odd thing to remember huh? Well I was sad she was gone but I wasnt in mourning I would say. And right after we all went to eat at Chuck E Cheeses. Isnt that odd? Well, goes to show you how little I was.
Well all that changed when Genesis left this Earth. Not only had a close family member died but a piece of my literal flesh. And nothing has been the same since then. Im still young, 27, and used to have the feeling of being invincible and that I would be here forever. Sadly, that feeling went away when she was stillborn. I would have given my life right then and there, no second thoughts about it, if I knew it would save her. period. Thats how much I loved...love her. But we all know it doesnt work that way. I hate how close death hit. I dont think you get any closer than mother and child, especially a pregnant mother... except of course when its your time to go.
And thats what scares me... when its my turn to go. I have become scared of death. I know a few BLM who say they look forward to it because then they will be reunited with their babies... and if that works for them thats fantastic. But thats not the page Im on. I have a different hope of seeing Genesis again someday, where we are all alive and a whole family... but Im not here to preach my religious views. I wanted to elaborate on my fear of death.
Ive never really imagined myself growing old. Even before I had any children. And I feel this way even more now. I have a feeling I will die young. Dont ask me why. Im terrified of the way I will die. I know, morbid thoughts, but this is my blog where I let it out, so thats what Im doing. Will it be painful? Will it be sudden? Will it be dragged out? Will it be an accident? Will it be because of a sickness? Will anyone go to my funeral? I sometimes ponder these thoughts. I worry about my rainbows and what will happen to them. I want to make sure they are taken care of and are safe and far away from my ex-husband. I have been wanting to write a will for my babies so that there is something in writing should anything happen. But making a will, will make it too real that I am not immortal. It only confirms that yes, I will die someday. I hate saying that. I wonder why I even had children sometimes... they are just going to die one day....hopefully at the ripe old age of 300, but seriously, all jokes aside, isnt it depressing that we are born with the clock ticking and everyday we are closer to death? I hate that these thoughts pop in my head, but they do. The one thing I am certain about regarding my death is that I want Genesis ashes with me. Regardless if I am buried or cremated, I want Genesis with me...forever.
It makes me sad that we die. Some much too soon. Why do we have to die at all. Defeats the purpose of life. What difference does it make if we had a happy or horrible life? In the end we will die and not remember a thing.
Im sorry for these horribly pessimistic and depressing thoughts. I ponder them too much sometimes and I just need to get them out of my head and put them down here so that I can stop dwelling on it.