Sunday, September 19, 2010

Baby Shower, Sigh...

This weekend was the second baby shower for my relative that is expecting. I did not go to the first as it was thrown by her husbands side of the family (the one last weekend). We were however invited to this second shower and pretty much the whole family decided to go and make a weekend trip out of it since she lives about 400 miles away.

It was a nice little trip. We got to see lots of family and I especially love seeing my grandmother who isnt doing so well. She just turned 90 last month and has alzheimer's and suffered a minor stroke in July. Every time I see her I fear it may be the last time. But I was so happy that we did get to see her again and she had yet another chance to see her great grand-rainbows. 

Speaking of my grandmother Id like to share something about her for a moment and just put the baby shower thing to the side for a moment.  I told my grandmother when we were expecting Genesis all about her and how happy I was to be pregnant. We were originally going to name Genesis Eva Violeta. My grandmothers name is Violeta and we were going to name the baby after her if it was a girl. Though I love my grandmother to death and love her name, I didnt feel that was our baby's name but I agreed to it because that is what my husband (at the time) liked. So I gave in and agreed though I didnt love it. Obviously that changed when she was born.

At any rate, by this time the alzheimer's had already kicked in. No one had the heart to tell her Genesis died. I didnt want her to suffer. I say no one... but really no one really would have spoken her name anyway so I suppose its more that I didnt have the heart. I want so badly to tell her all about Genesis and tell her that she in fact has 3 great grand babies by me but she is already so confused that I just cant. It hurts me so bad but I rather I hurt than for her to. One time many years ago, she asked about her mother. And we were trying to help her keep her mind sharp, or so we thought, and my mom replied with "your mom died over 20 years ago" and took it as if it happened that very moment and she had been hearing it for the first time. She started crying and it broke all our hearts. After that we decided to spare her that kind of information. But like I said, she has no idea the great granddaughter she is missing and that breaks my heart every time I see her, think of her, hear the family talking about all the grand and great grand kids she has. So seeing her yesterday was no different. Just another heartache. 

So on to the baby shower. I mentioned my relative is having a baby girl and girl showers are just so tough for me. Especially since I never got to have one for my first rainbow girl (more on that in a minute). I knew there were going to be triggers for me but I hoped for the best and at least I was praying to wait till I wasnt in public to cry. This isnt my first girl baby shower since Genesis died. It was actually my 3rd.

My first was about 5 months after Genesis died. I felt crazy for going but it was a good friend of mine who was pregnant and I felt that I just had to go to show my support. I was of course pregnant with D but it made it no easier to be there. I was only able to stay about an hour before it got to me. I left and cried the whole way home and most of the next day. I also went to go see her daughter when she was born and again I dont know what I was thinking doing that so soon after Genesis died. But I actually held the baby while my friend was in the bathroom and I just started bawling. I mean uncontrollably. For a split second I daydreamed that that as my little girl. The one that shouldnt have died. And the emotions all came pouring out. Though of course my friend and her husband thought it was just tears of joy of seeing a new baby. I guess those were in there somewhere but I was grieving for the daughter I would never hold, alive. But anyway, moving along, the second shower was a little over a year ago for the sister of a co-worker. It helped that I didnt know her as well but still seeing all those little girl things killed me and once again I had to leave early and just cry in the car.

Well the one yesterday was the first one for someone in the family. I had heard from my brother, aka offender #1, that he wasnt going to be there so I felt that it was going to be more peaceful and easier to handle given that fact. Everything was going fine during the shower. The kids were playing and having a good time, I got to see family, there was great food and music. It was all around nice. Until my brother and his wife show up. 

They of course brought my nephew who I adore and love but I just have to say that he is a mean kid. Like the bully that rallies all the other kids against the one really nice kid on the playground. My brother even told me about how mean he is and to watch him but it still breaks my heart every time when I see how mean he is to D. He gets all the other kids to gang up against D and lock him out of the clubhouse or kick him out of their game or whatever. And there is D saying "friends... my friends, wait...." It breaks my heart and I have to remind them all that they are all friends (and family) and have to play nice. Sigh, but thats besides the point. Then my brother casually walks by me and says hi and continues on the see other friends and family. Not so much as a hug or a smile. Then his wife...dont get me started... greets me with a handshake. She has been doing this for a while now and I have no clue why. We used to be good friends before they got married and as soon as they said "I do" everything changed. So yea... after they made their appearance I got more tense and the anxiety started to kick in a bit and just felt sad for the way they treat me. I was still holding it together pretty well though. 

Then it was time to open the gifts. Oh boy... This was the hard part. You'd think this wouldn't bother me as I have baby girl things at home for G. I dont think it was so much the actual clothes that got to me but the excitement of planning for and celebrating a little girl and everyone sharing in the joy with you. I remember the shower that Genesis never got to have. And I remember the celebration that G didnt have either. I was able to avoid shedding any tears or leaving early but it just hurt that I never got a celebration for either of my girls. Why isnt anyone happy for me for this huge event in my life? Finally having a living daughter.

I mentioned in earlier posts that I didnt really want a shower for G as I didnt really need/want anything but I would have loved a blessingway to celebrate this incredible new life that meant to very much to me. But because of how I got pregnant, artificial insemination and choosing to be a single mom this time, I knew that my family and church friends would not be supportive and I didnt want to throw a celebration and have no one show up. I would have been even more heartbroken. 

So at the shower I got to thinking. Ive heard of people having a baby shower after the baby is born. Why cant I have a blessingway after G is born? I dont want/need gifts, this would solely be to celebrate what a blessing she is. I was talking to my sister about this and she thought it would be a great idea. I thought it would be a spa theme. And since my sister is in cosmo school and knows  how to do facials, mani/pedis, you know the works, why not have her and her friends help pamper all my girlfriends?! She agreed that she would do this for me. And of course we would have some yummy drinks like cosmos or martinis or granitas or whatever. Lots of yummy desserts and sandwiches, it would be a treat for all my friends. And I feel more people are likely to come now that they have seen G and they see how adorable she is and how worth celebrating she is and what an incredible journey Ive gone through to get where I am today. Plus I have more BLM friends now too who know what a monuments event this is in my life. Rainbows are certainly worth celebrating!

So I was thinking of starting to plan this and have it in the next 2 months or so. Its in the early stages of planning. So this is an open invitation to all my blm friends, mom blm friends, family, or really anyone who would care to celebrate what a miracle life is. Like I said, its still in the planning stages and dont have a date yet but think November sometime. Im in Los Angeles and I hope anyone locally can make it. If you are not close, you are still invited...I just cant provide the transportation, sorry hahah! But if this is something you think you would like to attend please either message me on facebook or leave a comment here. I would love to have you all be part of something that means so much to me.


brigette said...

So sorry for the hard times. Showers are a hard thing even with living children especially for the same gender of the child weve lost. You are a sweet strong woman!! Much love

Tiffany said...

So sorry for the hard times. Showers are a hard thing even with living children especially for the same gender of the child weve lost. You are a sweet strong woman!! Much love

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