Sunday, September 12, 2010

And once again

Once again me bringing up Genesis was ignored today. My relative was talking about giving birth and how much her previous children weighed. And she asked the question "I wonder if women with preemies feel the urge to push even though the baby's don't weigh as much... And I wonder if labor hurts the same." Well she didn't expect me to answer. Although Genesis was stillborn due to Anencephaly and not being premature, she in fact was premature, born at nearly 21 weeks.


I told her my account of genesis birth. Yes I was induced and yes I went through actual labor. And yea it hurt just as much as when I gave birth to my rainbows. Pushing was obviously different but I did feel the urge to push still. After I gave my account of my experience she said "well thats not what Im talking about. I mean real preemies." Then she stopped talking all together and the subject was not brought up again.


Then she brought up that my mom used to make blankets for all the babies in the family. My mom replied that she had not made one in the longest time. The last one she made was actually for Genesis. They insisted that no, that one was in fact for D. But I promptly reminded them that it was given to me after I finished my lamaze class and because we didn't know the gender of the baby at that time she just put "baby" on the blanket. (I got the news my baby would not live about 3 weeks later) My mom and sister finally remembered that it was in fact Genesis' blanket and then everyone got all hush hush. And then the subject was changed once again.


I also wanted to share that I tried talking to my relative about my grief about a year ago. It was via text message. She replied with "I too lost a daughter." she was referring to her miscarriage at 5 weeks that "she didn't care about." I was beyond insulted. I don't know what it's like to have a miscarriage thankfully but likewise she doesn't have a clue as to what it's like to have a stillborn child. My child wasn't a miscarriage. I don't say Genesis was a girl because I felt she was a girl, it was because she had a vagina! There was no way my relative could have ever known what gender her child was. Even a hunch is just that, a hunch. I guess I'm feeling bitter... Or I don't know what word to even use. The two are not the same and I would say that a miscarriage is painful from what I have heard, but when taking my relatives feelings to mind about it, I would have to say that it's not, at least for her. Her "I don't even care or think about it" is not the same as my stillborn, perfectly formed daughter that I grieve everyday of my life. She did not have to hold her child's lifeless and cold body in her arms. I did. She did not have to make funeral arrangements for her child. I did. She doesn't even grieve the child she lost, I did, do and will for the rest of my life. And to say she can relate is beyond insulting.

5 comments:

MissingYouAlways said...

your family makes me want to scream, it reminds me of my bf though, when we were registering at babys r us they asked if this was our first baby.. my bf proceeded to say "its her first my second"
I was like NOO NO NO NO!!! THIS IS MY SECOND.

and i will never forgive the small thoughtless comments like that

Michelle said...

OMG. I wish I could march over there and give it to your relatives straight! WOW. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such insensitivity! (((hugs)))

croleyc69 said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that. It's so not right. {{HUGS}}

Caroline

Danae said...

What your relative said just made me ill. That is cold and heartless. What does she mean "real premies?" Genesis was real, she was a premie...where does your relative get off saying that?

Having a miscarriage is so much different than having a later loss. I've been through both. With 2 m/c's, yes they were painful, and like most normal people, I mourned my losses and was sad, but eventually my pain lessened, and I was still the old me. After losing Bailey...holding my child who would never take another breath, plan her funeral, see that tiny casket, I'll never be whole again. It's completely different.

Tiffany said...

What your relative said just made me ill. That is cold and heartless. What does she mean "real premies?" Genesis was real, she was a premie...where does your relative get off saying that?

Having a miscarriage is so much different than having a later loss. I've been through both. With 2 m/c's, yes they were painful, and like most normal people, I mourned my losses and was sad, but eventually my pain lessened, and I was still the old me. After losing Bailey...holding my child who would never take another breath, plan her funeral, see that tiny casket, I'll never be whole again. It's completely different.

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