Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Since she's been gone

I apologize ahead of time. Im going to be all over the place with this post. I just have a lot on my mind.

Since Genesis died I have been through an emotional roller coaster ride to say the least. Of course the days and weeks and months following her death were the hardest to get through. I was drowning in agony and add to that dealing with my husband leaving me and being pregnant with my first rainbow terrified of anything happening to him and then figuring out how in the world I was going to do this as a single mom. I thought there was no escape from this nightmare.

I was right to an extent. You never wake up from this nightmare. Its real. Its my life. Sometimes I step back and question this. Did my daughter really die? are these her ashes? Did my marriage fall apart? Am I all alone? all this before the age of 24 (at the time)? Sometimes I feel like this isnt my life. It cant be my life. why me?

I miss Genesis so so very much. My grief is much different than it was right after she left me. And for that I sometimes feel guilty. There is not a day that does by that I dont hurt for her. I see my rainbows and I feel so so blessed to have them but then I realize all that I am missing out on. Everything we do as a family I look at and think I should have 3 kids doing this right now.

Ill never know what color eyes she had. Ill never know what her voice sounded like. She will never smile. Ill never get to wipe her tears when she cries. Ill never see any milestones. Ill never get to hear her say the words "mommy I love you." Ill never get to have a family picture with all my babies in it. Ill never have anything with Genesis that life has to offer. Not in this life anyway.

I know I dont feel the same pain as in the beginning, but I do still feel pain. I know I dont cry as much as I used to, but I do still cry. I dont think of her every minute of everyday like I used to, but I do think of her everyday. I know grief is an individual thing and there is no right or wrong way to do it. But I feel bad that it doesnt hurt me like it did before. Does that make sense? It sounds weird I know. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel bad that life is going on without her. I feel bad that I must move on. I have not forgotten her or anything... but as life moves forward, so must I.

I feel bad that my rainbows will never get to know their big sister. I want them to know who she is and how important to our family she is. I have met a few people who hear my story and though they have not had a loss themselves will say "Oh, my mom had a stillborn baby." Ok, well that stillborn baby is your sibling. Yet they detach themselves from that child because they dont know him/her. I had asked one of these people about their still born sibling addressing the baby by name and this person replied with "who?" And then when I explained they said "oh yea." I dont want that to be my kids. I want them to know they had and have a big sister. I dont want her to be forgotten. But I have no idea how to go about teaching them this without being looked at as crazy.

Something else I wanted to put out there was that going through something like this changes you. I mean really changes you and everything you do. Like the butterfly effect. Have you seen that movie? One event causes a ripple effect on your whole life and changes everything. Thats exactly what happens. I feel because of this I am a different mother to my kids than I would have been otherwise. Better? maybe. But definitely different. When you are pregnant with a rainbow baby, and it doesnt have to be your first rainbow, you are so scared something may happen. You rent a doppler to give you some peace of mind. You do kick counts more diligently than before. You pay more attention to everything because you are scared. After your baby is born the fear doesnt go away. At least for me it hasn't. Its a different type of fear.

Have you seen Finding Nemo? In the beginning Marlin loses his wife because she was eaten by a bigger fish. All his children (eggs) were lost as well, except one. Nemo. He treasures Nemo so so very much that he doesn't want anything to happen to him. That's what I feel like. I never cared about birth interventions or vaccines or anything when I was pregnant with Genesis. Yes, maybe I was just ignorant. Maybe I just wasnt worried about it. Either way I see it differently now. I most certainly care about how I give birth and the interventions and how it may or may not affect my baby. I care about vaccines and side effects and all that. I care about who my children play with, who watches them... I care about everything differently than I would have before. Ill be the first to tell you I know that I am over protective. I dont think I am at an insane level of over protectiveness but I am trying to loosen up a bit so my children can have fun. A line in Finding Nemo always sticks out to me. It's the scene where Dory and Marlin are inside the whale. Marlin thinks this is the end and he wont get to save Nemo. Here is their conversation:

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory: hmmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: what?
Dory: Well, you can't never let nothing happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

Im working on bringing my protective walls down. I dont want to be scared of everything and everyone. Being a single mom makes this worse because there is no man to look out for me and my kids. There is no protector or head of the house. I am all that and more. And again I want to make it clear that Im not obsessive about this. But I could loosen up like not care so much if he his nana lets him play with the neighbor kids. Who cares if he maybe catches a cold from them? ya know? There are bigger things for me to worry about, right? I just struggle with it because I have already held a cold fragile lifeless child in my arms....I couldn't survive doing it again. And I hate to be negative natalie but I always seem to see things in the worst case scenario. I want to be prepared for the worst and unexpected. I have to figure out a way to juggle these things and not go to either extreme.

oh and getting back to my emotions. Right after Genesis died and before I got pregnant with my first rainbow I hated seeing pregnant women. Im sure you can relate. I hated them with a passion. It would make me so sad. And of course I would see them EVERYWHERE I went. It was awful. I always passed by the baby isle of stores with a heavy heart. I would look down those isles wishing that I would need those things. After I had my son I still ached for having a living daughter. The little girls section in the store was enough to make me burst into tears and run out of the store. It was bad. It was a club that I felt I would never belong to... the mama of a girl club. All the cute little clothes got to me every time. I would be out and about and people would see my son and say "oh he's so cute! Now you just need a little girl." Those words stabbed at my heart and I could only reply with "You have no idea." Now that I have a daughter I feel better about passing through any section at the store. Baby things dont really bother me anymore. What gets to me though are baby things with dragonflies on them. I have no need for any more baby items but every time I see something with dragonflies I have to fight the urge to buy it.

Another surprising emotion is that now that I have had 2 rainbows, a boy and a girl, I thought I would get over the hurt I would feel when seeing other prego ladies. I was surprised to find out that it still bothered me. Not as much, but every pregnant woman reminded me of the pregnancy I had with Genesis that would never result in a living baby. Its even worse if I know the lady is going to have a girl. It just hurts. I want to be happy for friends and family who tell me they are pregnant and I am but not 100%. And I feel bad for feeling this after I have had rainbows. There are moms out there that were like me in the beginning that have lost their only child and for me to feel this now I feel isnt fair to them. Yet this is how I feel. Im just being honest. Oh these crazy emotions. Like I said earlier, I know Im all over the place today. I just needed to get it out.


Michelle said...

Beautiful post...I really appreciate your honesty ((HUGS))

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I love your reference to Nemo and the comment by Dory. I have to go through IVF to conceive Wyatt. We only had one egg that was obtained, not the 8 or 18 like so many others. I promised I would never let anything happen to him. So the quote from the movie hit home for me.

Holly said...

I've actually never seen Nemo so when you mentioned that I found it interesting.

And I'm like you and don't want my children to forget about Carleigh. I want them to know her name and not just know her as 'the baby who died'.

Kalialani said...

OMGGGG Tiffany...i swear you took these words RIGHT out of my mouth! Well part of it! Like a week after Leila died we watched Finding Nemo and when that part came on when Marlin and Dory are talking I thought the EXACT same things. I thought wow if I have a rainbow I KNOW I will be overprotective of him or her. I didn't blame Marlin because I KNOW what it feels like to lose a child. It's so crazy that you think so far ahead in that time but I was thinking UGH I HAVE to try and stop being so overprotective or else I'll push my kids away and I definitely don't want or need that. Anyways a lot of what you said, I wonder about. I wonder if I'll have a boy and how heartbroken I will be when I pass by the little girl section or if my son or daughter don't know Leila's name...I have vowed that I will NOT let my kids go through life without knowing their big sister though. I want to tell them all about her and they WILL remember her and not be afraid to speak her name. We will always participate in March for Babies as a family and walk for Leila. I hope this experience does make me a better mother than I would have been but I'd like to think I would have been a great mother anyways :/

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