Thursday, August 19, 2010

My heart just got crushed a little more

Im going to try and be generic here as this is a public blog and I dont want to give specific names, but a relative of mine is pregnant and on her facebook status put something to the effect of how exhausted she is in this pregnancy and that she could fall asleep at her desk from how tired she was. I could totally relate to how she was feeling. My pregnancy with Genesis was like that 24/7. My pregnancy with D was only like that in the first trimester. And with my pregnancy with G I had none, her pregnancy was a breeze. So I commented on her status saying "oooh I remember those days when I was pregnant with my first two..." Evidently my pregnancy with Genesis didn't count because this is what she replied with: "oh, what do you mean with your first two? there both still babys...." I just replied saying "my first two (remember I had 3 kids) Genesis and D..." What I dont get is that she has had miscarriages and being that she has had a pregnancy loss, I would imagine her to be able to better connect with me. But no, she doesnt see it the way we BLM see it. Why does my family refuse to acknowledge Genesis? Acknowledge that I have 3 children! Acknowledge that she was here, that she was real, that I love her more than life itself, that she is as important to me as my living children! Why is that so hard to do? God, it breaks my heart. And what should have been a beautiful day of remembrance is now ruined and I feel like crap. I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach.

Whats sad is that this is not the first time my relatives have hurt me like this. When I was pregnant with Genesis I would get friendly calls all the time like "how's baby doing?" or "you know if you change your mind, Ill keep the baby" type calls. After Genesis died there were no more calls. No calls even to say sorry or how are you doing. No cards in the mail. No nothing. It was as if it never happened. 8 weeks after Genesis died I went on a road trip and made a stop at a relatives house that was on the way to where we were headed. I had on my Genesis bracelet (you can see a picture of it in the photo gallery tab) and a relative saw it and asked what it said. I replied that it said Genesis. She was a little confused. She asked me why I had that. I told her it was the name of my daughter. There was a long pause and she had this look of utter confusion on her face and with almost a sound of sarcasm she said "your daughter?" It was such a shock to me that people already didnt care so all I could do was look to the ground to avoid crying and say "even though she wasnt born alive she is still my daughter." And nothing more was said.

I understand that I guess this is the "norm" among non baby lost people but when it comes to my family it's even worse. Not only do they not acknowledge Genesis but then they mock me for doing it. I invited another close family member to go attend the OC Walk To Remember with me and she had the audacity to laugh at me and say "uh, I dont think so." I dont have the words in me to describe this kind of pain. Not only do I live with the day to day suffering that I have to live my life without one of my children but then people, and mostly my own family, add so much more pain than I need by not supporting me. *sigh* Im gonna go cry now.

2 comments:

Lisette said...

I am so sorry!!! I can totally relate to how you feel. It is really sad and it is so hurtful. I would do the OC walk with you but that is the day of my daughter's memorial service. I will do it next year for sure.
I do not understand why non baby loss people do that, I wish it wasn't so. I hate it!! ((HUGS))

BTW, this blog is so pretty.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I am sorry that you don't receive much support from your family. Please know that you have some many people out there thinking of you, people that you have never met but that relate to your loss. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

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