Friday, August 27, 2010

A Little More About Me

So I realized that most of you still don't know all that much about me so I thought Id spill some details. I am the oldest of 4 kids. All 4 of us are adopted from different families. Growing up I always knew I was adopted, it wasnt like my parents dropped the bomb on me one day or anything. I just always knew. My brother and I are only 2 months apart so it was like raising twins for my parents. Then when I was 8 came my younger brother and when I was 9 came my sister. 

Growing up I always noticed that siblings that went to my school would look alike. I always wished I had a sibling that looked like me. I always wondered if I had biological family out there, which I do and recently found them if you check out the "My Story" tab. But when it came to having children, having my own biological children meant more to me than your average person. Im not against adoption, after all, I believe it saved my life. Id be open to it in the future but I wanted biological children first. It means so much to me too, that my kids look like me. I hope that doesnt sound vain. I dont mean it like that. But blood family is something that I treasure. 

Anyway, moving along, I have two nephews. My sister just had a baby 25 days before I had my second rainbow, so you know they are super close and its like having twins in the house again. My brother, the one thats 2 months younger than me, has a son as well. His wife and I were actually pregnant at the same time...I was pregnant with Genesis. I mentioned in the "My Story" tab that my brother decided to announce their pregnancy as I was coming home from the hospital after having Genesis... ya, dont get me started. Their son was born on October 15th, 2007. It was shocking to me that out of all the days he could have been born he was born on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day the same year Genesis died. Kinda weird but it always reminds me of Genesis. 

Genesis would have been the first grandchild for my parents...or rather I should say that she IS the first grandchild born. See what the thinking of others do to us? But because she was stillborn thats not recognized and my brother likes to rub it in my face that his son was the first grandchild. He always says his son is the oldest of all the cousins.... and I guess he's right. But then I think that Genesis was actually 7 months older than him. It stabs my heart every time.

This post was supposed to give you more background on me but since we are talking about stabs in my heart, I guess we'll go there and I guess it does tell you a little more about myself. It seems that my brother is the number one offender when it comes to insulting me about Genesis. Im a religious person. Not very, but I do have my beliefs. Ill be the first one to tell you that I should go to church more, and study the bible more, but hey Im imperfect and there is always room for improvement right? So I use the term "angel" to describe Genesis. Although I dont literally believe that she is an angel floating in the heavens. I do believe in heaven but believe it has a different purpose. I have a different hope and faith for Genesis. But I still use that term when I speak about her because its easily understood by everyone and its more gentle than saying "my dead baby." My family is VERY religious. So my brother saw me use the term "Angel" and told my family that I was now Catholic. I think there is nothing wrong with being Catholic. To each their own and whatever faith they belong to then thats great. You should do what works for you. But to my family this was a huge deal, that I supposedly turned my back on my faith. This huge rumor spread like wildfire and relatives were giving me the cold shoulder and looking at me differently. I finally cleared the situation with everyone but I was so upset at my brother. So upset that he took the single most traumatic event... the biggest tragedy of my life and turned it around into a false accusation and used it to hurt me. How can you do that? My relationship with my brother slowly started going downhill since high school and because of the way he treats me and Genesis memory now our relationship is hardly a relationship anymore. We see each other maybe once or twice a year. When we do see each other I am greeted with a handshake. He doesnt call me or care about his nephew and niece. He lives a few hours away so I know that he would use that as an excuse as to why he doesnt visit, but I know of times where he is in town and doesnt stop by. It hurts me because I love my nephew so much. I get so happy to see him and play with him but the feeling is not mutual with his nephew and niece. I wish that I could sit him down one day and talk to him. I mean really talk to him. Not to fix anything because I think we are way past that, but to let him know about how I feel about the way he treated me following Genesis death. I dont know when Ill do it or if ever. But Ive replayed it over and over in my head what I would say to him. Sigh.... I just wish people, but especially family would understand. I know its a horrible thing to say but Im sure Im not the first BLM to think it: Sometimes I wish it happened to them, for just a split second, so they could stop hurting me with their actions and words and just understand me.


Kalialani said...

Ugh Genesis IS the first granchild! :( That's what I dread...if the next person in my generation who has a child before I have a rainbow says that THEIR child is the first great-granchild I will be SURE to put them in their place! >:/ that pisses me off, I'm sorry that your brother has been MUCH LESS than understanding and supportive. You and all 3 of your children deserve much more respect than that. You should talk to him one day. Poeple need to know how their words and actions hurt people. They may change and they may not but @ least you'll be able to get it off your chest. I have TONS of family like that who live close by but don't come to visit...then I have others who come to town and try and visit but I don't want to see them because they have yet to mention Leila...I'm SO happy you got your rainbows and have that "blood" connection that you've always longed for, I only wish Genesis was here with you all as well. I'm on my phone so this is pretty hard to write and I know I didn't say half of the things I wanted to but just know that you, Genesis and the kids are always in my thoughts.


Tiffany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Danny's Mommy said...

Tiffany, you are right. Genesis IS their first grandchild. There is NOTHING wrong with correcting them on this account and kindly thanking them to remember that. If people don't respect Danny, me as his mother, and us as his family, they do not deserve my/our company. I have found that there comes a time in life where it is more important to surround myself with people who love, care, support and nurture me and our relationship than, to worry about something someone did and pursue that relationship because it is familiar. I had to learn to not equate familiar with healthy.

Danny's Mommy said...

Dear Tiffany,
I was thinking about your post. You are sooo very right! Not only is Genesis their first grandchild, but there's an obvious reason it stabs your heart when she is dismissed. Here's some support for speaking up for Genesis, if you feel the situation warrants it. The term is called a "cognitive disconnect." That basically means our brain is trying to tell us one thing, often per the inappropriate suggestion of another, and our heart KNOWS the truth! Summing up the situation, your brother is trying to manipulate your behavior (which is not very nice) by playing mind games on you and using a cognitive disconnect to make you feel less important, put himself up in the situation, and invalidate and disacknowledge the life of Genesis. It also invalidates her importance in this world and the effect she has had on others. So, the question I have for your brother is, what is it about you that needs to invalidate a little bitty baby's life in order for you to feel more secure and important? There's a story there! Genesis is very proud of you for standing up for her. And for the record, he KNOWS the's a case of Thou Doest Protest TOO MUCH! If his child is the first grandchild, than who is he speaking too? You all know the truth! And yes, you are also right, dismissing her does hurt and is inappropriate and also unacceptable behavior. Bless you!!!

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