Saturday, August 28, 2010

I need your help

I have an idea for an awesome video for the BLM community and to raise awareness and for people to get over making pregnancy and infant loss such a taboo subject. Its also so that they dont keep adding injury to pain with all the stupid comments. I dont want to give all the details away because I want to surprise you guys when Im done. I need some help from you all though. I need you to please leave me a comment here or on my facebook page about how you are treated, how you feel when people say things and what you are being told. These are examples of what Im looking for:

*you need to get over it
*it wasnt like it was a real baby
*you're not a mother
*you dont have a child
*at least you didnt bond with it

They may or may not have said those exact things but perhaps thats how they made you feel. I need you to tell me the most ridiculous and hurtful statements that people have said or implied. Tell me how they made you feel. Tell me who told you this... family? what family? your brother? aunt? mother? Was it your coworker? a neighbor? a stranger? Please share with me as much info as you can. I am hoping once this video is done it will make an impact to others looking into the babyloss community. Later on I will be needing volunteers to perhaps make an appearance/ statement in the video and mention their babies. I have a feeling this is gonna be huge. But I need your help. I dont know how long it will take to finish but I cant do it without your help. Lets make a statement that we are not afraid to speak about our children, we are not afraid. And the rest of the world doesnt need to be either. 

26 comments:

Sophie said...

"Life goes on..."
"It was for the best."

Life Without You said...

It breaks my heart and makes me feel like a bad mom when they tell me to forget about my baby and to pay more attention to my oldest i do love both of my daugthers.

Angela Donaldson said...

"Be strong for your other kids"-friends
"maybe there was something wrong with him"-strangers

Kalialani said...

co-worker said "Well it was for the best. Just think, you would have had TONS of medical bills if you didn't, ya know?"
another co-worker "you're young, you can have more kids"
when I said it's hard for me to see pregnant women, she said "get over it honey, there's 3 women in our office who are pregnant."
acquaintance said "well life is too short you should enjoy it, it's what your baby girl would have wanted"

HOW the hell does HE know what my baby girl would have wanted? he doesn't even KNOW her. and she's DEAD how can I enjoy that?!

TONS OF PEOPLE say "It was meant to be" or "don't cry for her, she is in a MUCH better place" "God does everything for a reason"

Am I not supposed to grieve my DAUGHTER dying? She's not just some pet..she's my DAUGHTER

random guy "damn, she looks like she was a fighter but I guess she just wasn't meant to live"

"you will be a great mother someday"
I thought I was a mother NOW? Just because my daughter died doesn't mean I'm NOT a mother anymore right? :/ She may not have lived long but she is still MY baby...does that not count?

Aunt said "grieving is something that should be done privately, not on a public forum"

Am I never supposed to speak my daughter's name again because she died? Why is it OK for people to continue to talk about moms, grandmas etc that die, but not babies? They are STILL people!

there are tons more, when I think of them I will comment again :(

Angira said...

Two weeks after Shreya passed away, I went to my regular doctor who wasn't aware that she had died. He asked me how my baby was doing and when I told him what had happened, he brushed it off and told me not to worry, I just had to try again. Needless to say I am looking for a new doctor.

MissingYouAlways said...

"this is her first kid, my second" -bf talking about rainbow.

"Oh so you had him at 22 weeks? so you didnt really bond then" bfs dad

"At least you werent full term or the baby didnt die months or even years after having him"-more then one person

"one you have another baby you will forget all about him"ex husbands grandfather.

"your still young, you can have other children" ex husbands family member.

"it was for the best"

"everything happens for a reason"-mom

Anne said...

I my life I have never really had the negative critism from others. I haven't had people say those stupid comments. I can't forget my son, he was only with us 12 days, and my first and last time I held him were the same day. I have had people say "At least you got to hold him" I have noticed some people treat me different, only keeping conversation to minimum.

emilyhughes said...

"He would have had a lot of problems, he would probably be retarded you know" -One of my bosses. This comment hurt because I felt like yelling at her "I would take a retarded baby over a dead baby".

"You don't understand, you don't have kids"-Said to my husband by one of his co-workers.

Another thing was one of my former employees actually gave me the gift she had bought me for my baby shower. Honestly, I look at it like a wedding. If the wedding is canceled, you return the gift.

Kristie said...

My mother said" Atleast she isn't suffering anymore" "you know she could have been reyarded" Also what makes me angry is how people say I am so sorry.............LIKE U KNOW HOW I FEEL!!!!!!

Amber Roseberry said...

I had one lady who didn't even know me tell me "I don't understand why you are so upset over someone you didn't even know!" I had 36 weeks to get to know him, I know him!! Of course there was the topix.com situation. Someone who said they were my friend started a thread saying that I was disrespectful and there was something wrong with me for posting pics of Eli on my FB page. They said his pics were disturbing, disgusting and disrespectful. I wanted to smack someone's face off! Last time I checked it was my right to post his pics wherever I wanted. Reading those things crushed me as a mother. Why would anybody call someone's baby living or not disgusting! That is disrespectful to not only me but to Eli's memory.

Cathrin Kushman said...

"At least your children didn't have to live in this cruel world."
"your shaming your child by not moving on."
"I understand" when they have never lost a child.

renfo82 said...

"You are young you can try again" Too many people to count.
"You can grieve for a little while but give your self a date to let go, you dont want it to consume you" MIL

Melissa said...

"At least you have 2 other kids" I understand that and I love and appreciate my babies, but it doesn't make losing Laken hurt less.
"It wasn't meant to be"
"You can always try again"
"I need to get over it"
People who roll their eyes or sigh when I bring her name up like they're tired of hearing it.

elena said...

I think this is amazing what you are doing and I wish you all the best. I definitely think raising awareness will help to make talking about our type of loss as not such a "taboo" subject.

Franchesca said...

"I didn't know she was that sick..." followed by some other story 'similar' to Jenna's but with a happy ending. ugh... it makes me sick just thinking about it. (By an acquaintance)

"God knows best" - another favorite. I *KNOW* this is true but it certainly doesn't help. This was said by many and I mean MANY well-meaning people who are family, friends...

Franchesca said...

oh and by the way... AWESOME idea :)

croleyc69 said...

This was one of the nurses in the E.R
" You already have 3 children you don't need anymore "
My SIL said " My brother doesn't need anymore children & there was probably something wrong with this child.
A Co Worker said People have miscarriages everyday , No Big Deal.

Caroline

Trisha said...

"at least you didn't get to know him"
"aren't you over it yet?"
"God needed him to be an angel"
"wasn't it just a misscarriage"
"everything happens for a reason"
"you can have more kids"

I hate that I feel like I should stop mentioning him, stop thining about him, stop crying because that is what the world is telling me to do. He will always always be y first born son.

shannon jones said...

I think this is wonderful.I lost my baby on Tuesday Aug.24 2010.I had my first ultrasound on Friday the 20th.I went for my first appt with a new Dr.on Tueasday and upon coming in the room she siad"Your ultrasound is beautiful".I had alot of issues with my last pregnancy so there had been cause for concern.At the end of the appt she said I'm gonna check you and I had started bleeding.Was sent to the hospital for another ultrasound immediately at 7pm.I knew there was no heartbeat because I had so many with the last baby I knew what i was looking at.The ultrasound tech could not get a Dr. that wasnt to busy to read and give me the results.I was sent home without knowing for sure if my baby was ok.Treated in a very inhumane way.How cruel.I was on my way out the door to the other local hospital when I got a call at midnite to inform me that my uterus was empty.I dont care tight now if everything happens for a reason.My baby is dead and this is pain and agony like no other.Please dont say those things that you think may be comforting because there is no comfort when you cant hold your baby or tell your baby how much you love them.Just pray for us that have had a loss like this..It is unbearable pain...that will never go away.It is the loss of your child.

Tiffany said...

oh and by the way... AWESOME idea :)

Tiffany said...

I think this is wonderful.I lost my baby on Tuesday Aug.24 2010.I had my first ultrasound on Friday the 20th.I went for my first appt with a new Dr.on Tueasday and upon coming in the room she siad"Your ultrasound is beautiful".I had alot of issues with my last pregnancy so there had been cause for concern.At the end of the appt she said I'm gonna check you and I had started bleeding.Was sent to the hospital for another ultrasound immediately at 7pm.I knew there was no heartbeat because I had so many with the last baby I knew what i was looking at.The ultrasound tech could not get a Dr. that wasnt to busy to read and give me the results.I was sent home without knowing for sure if my baby was ok.Treated in a very inhumane way.How cruel.I was on my way out the door to the other local hospital when I got a call at midnite to inform me that my uterus was empty.I dont care tight now if everything happens for a reason.My baby is dead and this is pain and agony like no other.Please dont say those things that you think may be comforting because there is no comfort when you cant hold your baby or tell your baby how much you love them.Just pray for us that have had a loss like this..It is unbearable pain...that will never go away.It is the loss of your child.

Tiffany said...

"At least you have 2 other kids" I understand that and I love and appreciate my babies, but it doesn't make losing Laken hurt less.
"It wasn't meant to be"
"You can always try again"
"I need to get over it"
People who roll their eyes or sigh when I bring her name up like they're tired of hearing it.

Tiffany said...

"At least your children didn't have to live in this cruel world."
"your shaming your child by not moving on."
"I understand" when they have never lost a child.

Tiffany said...

"He would have had a lot of problems, he would probably be retarded you know" -One of my bosses. This comment hurt because I felt like yelling at her "I would take a retarded baby over a dead baby".

"You don't understand, you don't have kids"-Said to my husband by one of his co-workers.

Another thing was one of my former employees actually gave me the gift she had bought me for my baby shower. Honestly, I look at it like a wedding. If the wedding is canceled, you return the gift.

Tiffany said...

co-worker said "Well it was for the best. Just think, you would have had TONS of medical bills if you didn't, ya know?"
another co-worker "you're young, you can have more kids"
when I said it's hard for me to see pregnant women, she said "get over it honey, there's 3 women in our office who are pregnant."
acquaintance said "well life is too short you should enjoy it, it's what your baby girl would have wanted"

HOW the hell does HE know what my baby girl would have wanted? he doesn't even KNOW her. and she's DEAD how can I enjoy that?!

TONS OF PEOPLE say "It was meant to be" or "don't cry for her, she is in a MUCH better place" "God does everything for a reason"

Am I not supposed to grieve my DAUGHTER dying? She's not just some pet..she's my DAUGHTER

random guy "damn, she looks like she was a fighter but I guess she just wasn't meant to live"

"you will be a great mother someday"
I thought I was a mother NOW? Just because my daughter died doesn't mean I'm NOT a mother anymore right? :/ She may not have lived long but she is still MY baby...does that not count?

Aunt said "grieving is something that should be done privately, not on a public forum"

Am I never supposed to speak my daughter's name again because she died? Why is it OK for people to continue to talk about moms, grandmas etc that die, but not babies? They are STILL people!

there are tons more, when I think of them I will comment again :(

Tiffany said...

"Life goes on..."
"It was for the best."

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