Thursday, July 24, 2014

That showed me

I would get an awesome wink after I post about not getting anything big happen to me lol yesterday I got an email... Obviously spam. But look who the sender was:
Yup. And seeing this also made my heart skip a beat:
Looks like they sent it to a ton of people who had the word Genesis in their email. That's a lot of "Genesis-es"... Is that a word? Lol anway it was a lovely wink. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Nothing eventful

Wow I have not posted here in a hot minute. That's because nothing really too extraordinary has happened for me to post. 

A few winks here and there when I saw a dragonfly or a hummingbird but nothing really note worthy. 

Today in a group on Facebook someone was pregnant with a girl and was asking for name ideas. Someone commented hat her daughters name was Genesis. Hearing her name always makes my heart skip a beat. I don't think that will ever go away... And I don't think I ever want it to go away. 

In other news our family went to the beach a few weeks ago and I got this amazing photo there:
Our new family footprints photo. I had taken one before that I loved with me and the two rainbows and a heart representing Genesis. Well this time around we have daddy, mommy, D, G, D2 and the heart for Genesis. My has our family grown. Makes my heart happy. 

And in totally unrelated news, back on 5/29/2014 I finally shared Genesis picture with my husband. Yes you read that right. Up until then I had not shared her photo with him. I didn't feel the time was right before. I was worried of how he may react. I put my fears aside. And as I said many times if she were here he would be her daddy too. Well, he IS still her daddy even without being here and he deserves to know his daughter. It was a huge moment for me. I decided to share her photo on this date because it actually would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary had I not gotten divorced. I didn't want to connect to this date anymore with something negative. And she was a product of that first marriage and I just thought it was fitting. Marlon says it's nice putting a face to the name and knowing a bit more about his daughter.

Speaking of daughters... Marlons family vistited this week from Guatemala. His grandma asked if we wanted to try for a girl. Marlons mom jumped in and said he had a girl and referred to G. This made my heart both happy and a bit dad. So happy that my in laws see no distinction between their biological grandchild and non biological. But he actually has daughters. We really see it as daughters. But some in his family may see it as him having no daughter since he has no biological daughter. Sigh. I clearly overthink things. 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Weird wink

So my mom recently signed D & G up for art classes to keep them busy during the summer. She called a lot of places over the span of a few weeks. She went to the free session they offered with the kids to see if they were a good fit for the class. Finally last week she found one that was just right. When the kids came home and I asked them about their class they told me the name of the class was "rainbow art". What are the odds.

Well just now the instructor called to confirm if the kids were going to enroll and this conversation just happened:

She said: "Hi I was calling from rainbow art and wanted to confirm that Genesis and G were coming to class tomorrow."

I nearly had a heart attack. I was like you mean D and ? She said oh yes. But still... It stopped me in my place. 

And I got a nice little wink today from a hummingbird. I love those winks.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

A dream

Last night I had one of those rare dreams about Genesis. She was perfectly formed in my dream, her little head was closed. She was sill the same size but slightly plumper. She wasn't bruised on her head like I saw her. She was perfect like a porcelain doll. Although the odd thing was that she had long hair. Like picture a Barbie doll. That kind of length and it was brown. She had already passed away and she was laying in a little bin much like my mom told me about yesterday. But there was water in there too. Not a lot, but some. I'm not sure who I was talking to but we were discussing taking photos with her from NILMDTS. The odd thing was that she wasn't freshly born. It was still 7 years out and apparently I had been paying monthly for the mortuary to keep her preserved. I remember telling my mom I regretted not taking photos when she was born and now was my chance to take the pictures as a family. And that I can't pay forever for the mortuary or morgue to keep her there. I remember admiring her beauty while in the bin and she started to move. But somehow I knew she was not alive. It was amazing seeing her move though. Sigh. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Return to Zero part 2

I watched RTZ for th second time this past weekend. It aired on lifetime so I was able to watch it in the comfort of my own home. I saw a few things I hasn't noticed at the premiere. I was able to process things fully and let the enormity of this movie hit me. Bringing me back to THAT day. I cried big sloppy tears and had a horrible cry hangover. I was able to open a discussion with the rainbows who caught glimpses of the movie here and there.

Before it aired, I called my mom and told her it was going to be on in 30 min and if she wanted to she could watch. I honestly thought she wasn't going to watch. To my surprise she did and she watched all of it. She had great things to say about it. It also opened up a discussion for us.

In the movie, baby Aurthur was taken from his parents and placed in a box. Per Sean, the director, this is a true account of what happened with their son Norburt. He said that when the nurse came back to take him she took off his hat, unwrapped him, undressed him and placed him in a raggedy card board box in front of the parents. I cannot even fathom that. As Sean discussed this other blms added that similar tho bra had happened to them. Plastic sheets and baby body bags were mentioned. And then it dawned on me.

I don't know what they took Genesis in. When Genesis was being born I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes the whole delivery. I didn't want to see her. I was so scared of what she would look like. I don't want to remember her like that. So I never saw her. I didn't see what they placed her in nor did I see what she looked like freshly born. I only remember that the umbilical cord was so thin they didn't need to cut it. It just ripped as she was separated from me. So today I asked my mom. She told me they had a little bin, sort of like a rectangular container that had towels in it. When she was born they put her in it and covered her with a blanket. It's been 7 years and I only JUST found out this information. Wow. I think they did treat her with dignity because the one photo I do have of her she had a little hat on and a tiny shirt. 

When I did see her for the first time two days later at the mortuary, I think they also treated her with care. I honestly cannot remember details. I was on auto pilot and survival mode back then. But I believe she was wrapped in a blanket and I think she had a hat on as well. Either that or the blanket was covering her head. I remember this because I wanted to see her little head and my then husband wouldn't let me. I also wanted to hold her but once again he didn't let me. I'm not sure why he didn't let me. I think he thought she was too fragile or something. Maybe he was in shock too. I'm not sure.

That's another thing that I realized in watching this film. As supportive as Marlon is he isn't a baby loss dad. The one person that went through it with me is no longer with me. In the days and weeks and few months he was here (before he left me) after Genesis died, I don't really recal speaking about her. I know right after we left the mortuary we went to eat and the restaurant left a survey on the table and one of the questions was do you have kids, if so how many? I remember looking up at him with tears in my eyes and he told me to put that I had one child. Then the other occasion I can recall I told him I wanted to get a memorial tattoo for her and he wouldn't let me. Aside from those two instances I can't recall mentioning her.  

Through my conversation with my mom it also brought up her very own still born child. She never knew the gender. She still doesn't want to know. She is more attached to Genesis than her own child. I wonder if I had another brother or sister. I actually remember going to one of her doctor appoinents with her and she got an ultrasound. I must have been about 5 years old. Crazy to think I would have a 25 year old sibling had the baby lived. My mom however does have a saved ultrasound from that baby. I'm happy for that. 

Anyway this has all brought a lot of emotions out and I have really been missing her. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


As I was getting the kids in the car for school this morning the pink headed hummingbird flew down and hovers over the street next to my car.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

A year ago today

Last Mother's Day I got an amazing gift. I got a bfp on a pregnancy test. Though very light, it was most definitely there. I continued to get a faint positive the next day. Then all of a sudden I got my period. It was over before it began. 

Like I mentioned before, I'm not too sure how to react to this type of loss. Today while browsing Facebook and saw someone post a bfp and that's how I remembered. Had I not seen that, I think it would have slipped my mind completely. When I remembered it instantly brought tears to my eyes... An unexpected reaction. Of course the following month I would get my next bfp which would result in my third rainbow D2. But if she had made it to term (remember the medium said it was a girl) she would be nearing 4 months. Sigh. 

I'll never know for sure but the what if is definitely there. But of course if she made it D2 wouldn't be here. Sigh.
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