Monday, December 15, 2014

Prayers Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

I had really been lacking with saying prayers and having the kids say prayers in the past. So I made a conscious effort to really try and do more of that. D has been especially good of reminding me.

Every night the kids pray for Jehovah to remember Genesis in His Book of Life, so that we can see her again in the new system. Of course they always include Abilla too. 

Tonight however, after the prayers I decided to elaborate on what prayer is for. When do we do it and so forth. I was trying to emphasize that it wasn't a wish list where we said "Give me this, I want that". Instead we would first pray because we are thankful for what we have. No matter how little we have, we still have more than others somewhere else. And for that we should be thankful. I also told them that they can ask for certain thing like courage, strength, hope and so forth. 

Then we had this conversation:

D: "But mommy, when we ask Jehovah for these things we can't hear him answer us." 
Me: "Thats right, but that doesn't mean that he didn't hear you. Sometimes Jehovah just answers prayers when things work out. For example, when you and G and D2 were in my tummy I prayed so hard that you guys were going to be born healthy. And you were, right? So you understand?"
D: "Yeah. But mommy, you should have prayed for Genesis to be healthy too."

My heart broke right then and there. Thank goodness the light was off so they didn't see my tears falling. I tried not to let them hear it in my voice. I explained that I did but sometimes not everything we pray for works out or will happen. But that doesn't mean to stop praying. Sigh. 

This kid is too smart. 

Lord knows I prayed so hard. Especially after they told me the AFP test was positive. I prayed and prayed like a mad woman. I had such hope and faith. 

But just like D learned... sometimes prayer isn't enough.

I wish it was.... I wish it was.

I miss you sweet girl. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

So this is happening right now

The moment your littlest rainbow is playing with the toys bought for the sister he will never now. Wow. Going on 8 years and it's still no easier. Sigh. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Lots of thoughts

Please bare with me as this post will be a bunch of random things that I just felt the need to get out or share or whatever.

Over the last few months I have been connected more to my spirituality. My inner being. And doing so can actually activate more dreams. Dreams that have meaning. I have found this to be true. There were two dreams that I have the need to document here. 

First: This was a while ago but I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl and she was stillborn at full term. In my dream this felt like it was a new loss. Not Genesis. But a future child. In this dream I named that baby girl Exodus. Im not sure why as its not a name I have ever considered. And I have never had a baby named in my dream that I didn't name myself. So this was odd. Over the last few weeks I have been meditating on this and doing research on dreams and what not and I think that maybe this dream did not signify a future loss. I think it may have been with my chemical pregnancy in mind. A medium told me that the baby was a girl. I totally had that feeling too. But I had felt so disconnected. Perhaps this dream was a way to make me feel connected. That it was an actual baby. Again Im not too sure. Im still working my emotions out on this one. 

Second: This dream actually happened last night. I was at the doctors and surprisingly found out that I was pregnant. I was having pains on my left side... sort of like ovulation pains but worse. Turns out in my dream I had an ectopic pregnancy. So I both found out in an instant that I was pregnant and that this pregnancy could not continue. I was so sad. I knew instantly that this was a boy. They did an ultrasound and confirmed the ectopic pregnancy. I saw the baby. I couldn't have been more than about 8 weeks along. I had to share both the good and bad news with my husband and my brother. I remember initially refusing to get the procedure done. In my dream it was a D&C. I didn't want to get it done. I asked if there was any other options and they said no. That my life depended on it. I was heart broken. I had not decided to do it or not in my dream. But one thing I did decide was before anything else, I had to name my baby boy. I remember mentioning a few names but none felt right. Then my husband told me something along the lines of "Lets find a name that means light". Light like a heavenly light or blessing. I was looking it up and I woke up. Again Im not sure what this dream means or why I am having so many loss dreams. But it scares me.

Moving on.

I am part of a lot of BLM groups online as well as rainbow groups. And I cannot tell you how many times a BLM will judge a non BLM. And we all know the opposite happens all the time. Hell, in general moms judge other moms for EVERYTHING. Gosh I wish it would just STOP. Mothering is so controversial these days. For all kinds of moms. BLMS even judge other BLMS. And pregnancy too! It seems no one can do the right thing without someone saying something. Look I get it. I really do. As a BLM there are a lot of emotions. A LOT. Emotions grow, change and evolve. And some never do. The way I felt as a BLM with no living children is not the same exact way I felt after one rainbow. The way I feel about things after one rainbow is not the same as after two. And the way I feel after three is different as well. I will probably feel different in the future as well weather or not I go on to have more children. Just as I get older Im sure my view point and opinions will change. So I get the feelings of where others may be coming from. I probably felt like these women at one point or another. But this negativity and judgement and anger does not fix anything. It won't make the mom change her views. It only puts negativity out there. And I do understand that venting is a good way of getting it out of our system... but lets not gang up against moms. I also get that we as BLMs carry a lot of emotions with us. A LOT. Resentment, anger, jealousy, failure... just to name a few. Im not perfect and feel many things at times. But we shouldn't direct or take out our feelings on others. We just shouldn't. If at very best you can just turn your head when you see something you don't agree with. Or just bite your tongue when someone says something you don't agree with then that is totally awesome. We aren't perfect nor are we robots. We will always have feelings and opinions about something. But lets choose peace. Lets choose to let negativity go. Not breed it. Put love and light and positivity in the universe and it will surround you. But this is the message I want to put out there:

Ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. We are mothers. We are role models. We are humans. We are imperfect. Let us simply do what is best for ourselves. No two humans are identical in every way. Even identical twins have different thoughts and feelings. Let us accept that we are beautiful individual creatures. And our goal is to raise our family the best way we know how, whatever that means to each person. Let us built each other up. Let us comfort those who need support. Let us assist and give input if we are asked. Leave the judgements behind. Leave the confrontations behind. It does no good to anyone. If something MUST be said because you see something potentially dangerous, then come from a place of love. Not judgement. I have recently learned the phrase Namaste which means "I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are one." Another meaning is "My soul recognizes your soul, I honor the light, love, beauty, truth and kindness within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things there is no distance and no difference between us, we are the same, we are one." We need to practice that with each other as mothers. As living, breathing, nurturing beings. The world will be a better place if we do.

The beautiful thing about this is that it has inspired a new project for me. I hope to start working on it beginning of next year. I can't wait to share it all with you.

Then last but not least I came across this image online today. These lovely nurses assisted a mother deliver her stillborn baby. It goes to show you that nurses grieve too. I have heard of many nurses crying with the parents. I didn't experience that at all. Wish I did. But this image moved me to tears and just had to share this touching image.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

A Special Photo and Random Bits

My computer crashed a few weeks ago. I noticed that it was running slower and slower and I just knew it was only a matter of time before it crashed. I did back up most of my stuff to an external hard drive (the computer tanked during the backup so I may have lost stuff). Anyways, I got a new computer and Im slowing putting the stuff back on here and finding lots and lots of old photos that I totally forgot about. This is one of those photos. A true treasure.
This photo was taken on 5/29/2007. Genesis had just passed away about 2 months prior. I was already wearing my "mother ring" necklace and I actually have my Genesis bracelet on as well. My first husband and I were actually coming back from a trip to Monterey for our 3 year wedding anniversary and I wanted to stop by to see my grandma on the way home. At this point her alzheimer's was already progressing at this point. I don't think she ever even remembered that I was pregnant to begin with. I didn't have the heart to remind her only to tell her that the baby died. 

This is also the same visit in which one of my cousins saw my bracelet and asked me what it said. I explained it said Genesis, my daughters name. And she said with this look of disgust "Daughter?!...." The pain was so raw I couldn't even look her in her eyes. The tears welled up and I said "yes, she is still my daughter even though she didn't live long." And that was that. Sigh. Anyway, I had totally forgotten that I had taken this picture with my late grandma. God I miss her. At this point she had a little more than 5 years left. Sigh. Had I only known. I probably would have visited her more. 

In other news, I have been thinking more and more about my chemical pregnancy. As mentioned before, a medium told me it was a little girl. I always felt it my gut it was a girl too. Although I still struggle with connecting with this type of loss... I feel I am getting better. It is still completely different than losing Genesis. I still need time to mediate and to sift through feelings and emotions and figure out how I feel about this all. And Its probably going to be something that evolves just like my grief for Genesis. Its just a totally different ballpark. Part of me wants to name her but the other part isn't sure Im ready for that. Time will tell. 

And last but not least... Again totally random, I wanted to share something about my husband. When I was dating my husband the first time I went to his house I saw something outside that convinced me it was a sign. A sign that he is the one for me and it was meant to be. His dad had a work van parked in the front and there was something painted on the van. He didn't have it out on... He bought the van like that and never removed it. What is it? This.

Do you see what I see? Yeah you do. 3:16. 3/16. Her birthdate. Like seriously what are the odds?! So seeing this gave me a good feeling knowing that this was supposed to happen. And sure enough I ended up marrying the most amazing man ever. 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Reminders

My computer got fried the other day and luckily I was able to back everything up (I think), and today I have been trying to put all my data on my new computer. 

I came across a lot of forgotten photos. Some very meaningful.
This photo was taken when I was pregnant with Genesis. I recall seeing dolphins in the distance. 
This photo was when I was having my Genesis bracelet made and this was the rough sketch they sent me of it. Even like this its so beautiful.

And I mentioned it in the past but when I found out I was pregnant with Genesis my mom's dog had just had a litter of puppies not long before. One of the puppies we ended up keeping and naming Klondie. This is him.




 Wasn't he adorable? Yes you read that right... past tense. Less than about a month after Genesis died Klondie went into heart failure which I was told is very common for these little dogs. He was the runt of the litter. I remember sitting at the vets office just a few weeks after my own baby died and I was literally sitting gin the waiting room with Klondie, my fur baby, dying in my arms. I was heart broken. Below is a picture of Klondie with Sushi which I still have. I have some comfort in knowing I have part of Klondie with me since Sushi was his dad.

It also occurred to me that in the photos I took with Klondie I was actually pregnant with Genesis. Looking at these pictures makes me pause and just sort of look pack in time... thinking, wow... I had no idea how much my life was going to change in just a few months from when these photos were taken.




 I am glad though that I did come across these photos and now I have them saved here in my blog forever.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Hello November

                              
And my BLM new year has arrived. This November begins 8 years. I can't believe it. It both feels like just yesterday and an eternity ago. Sigh.


Also a few days ago my brother in law and his fiancĂ© announced she is pregnant. Going on 8 years out and 3 rainbow babies later.. Pregnancy announcements still stop me dead in my tracks. Instant panic and anxiety attack. No I'm not happy for people. Especially non loss people. I hate that I feel this was but I do. It doesn't matter if you family, related by marriage, a co worker or a stranger... Every announcement hits me the same for non loss people. 
1 in 4 people will suffer pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4. I know a few prego people and in my head I put them in a lineup and think... Statistically one of these babies won't make it. It's really hard for me to be happy for people. I unexpectedly spent some time with the mom to be yesterday and she was talking to others about all these future plans. The sleepless nights, the diapers, the cousin play dates... You know... The same dreams I once had that came crashing down. And I just sat there quietly without saying a word. She announced her pregnancy so early. Roughly 6 weeks. We all know anything can happen.... But I'm not going to scare her or burst her bubble. She is so naive... Like we all once were. After all it's her first. She is like I once was. You see those two pink likes and think you're automatically going to bring home a baby. God do I know better. Sigh. Even my husband was a bit nervous asking if she should be taking folic acid like me. To which I said well a basic prenatal should be fine but extra folic acid wouldn't hurt. He said he wanted to tell her to get started if she isn't already. His heart is in a beautiful place. I was like him once too. Wanting to warn people and possibly save a baby's life. But people don't like being told what to do in pregnancy or in decision making for children. And when I tried to do that before it fell on deaf ears and people would say that I was paranoid and looked at me like I was crazy or something. I learned to bite my tongue unless specifically asked something. I told my husband some things unfortunately people need to learn on their own. And I hope that it doesn't come at a heavy cost like it did for me. 

Speaking of specifically being asked something... This mom to be was of course talking about old wives tales and genders and asked me if it was true for such and such for boys and true for such cases and such for girls for my pregnancies. I told her that particular effect did not happen to me for my girls. Yes I said "girls" but I don't think she caught on. This is the first time I have hinted at the fact that I have daughters with my in laws. Marlon has told them about Genesis but I have never mentioned it. Sigh. Which leads me to my next biggest anxiety attack.

If these people end up having girls. I can't handle baby girl pregnancies or hearing about it. I hate seeing them buy pink and talking about these plans. I hate the baby names (God forbid they even hint at using Genesis), the pink baby shower. I can't do any of it. I can't. And when the baby is here I just can't hold it. I just cannot even think of it. It's too much for me. 

I have held 2 baby girls (aside from G) since Genesis died. Ththe first, I was pregnant with D and a friend of the family had a baby girl. I sobbed uncontrollably while holding that baby. All I could think of was that I should have had this with Genesis. The second time was when G was maybe a year old my cousin had a daughter. This one was easier for me but still hard. I couldn't hold her more than a couple minutes. I haven't held another one since. It's too much on my heart. I don't n ow why every pregnancy and every baby girl has to remind me of the baby that never went to term. The baby girl I never brought home. Why can't I think of one of my rainbows? It's just too much for my heart. 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 30

Sunset

Tonight was very cloudy and it even rained for a short bit so there actually wasn't much of a sunset. However my husband was watching one of his favorite shows and he called me over to show me this. I definitely think this was a wink for daddy and a fitting way to end the month. 
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