Sunday, March 29, 2015

Something odd

Something odd happened on Genesis birthday. My dad was out with my mom and sister in the evening and he called me from his cell phone. We had this exchange:

My dad: Hi Tiffany, you didn't happen to call me just now from our home phone did you?

Me: Call you? No. 

My dad: You're not at our house right now?

Me: No, why?

My dad: Do you know if your brother is home?

Me: No he's not home. No one is home.

My dad: What? Really? 

Me: Yeah why?

My dad: I just got a missed call from our home number on my cell phone. I called back and no one answered. Can you check the house to make sure we kicked all the doors and no one is there?

Me: sure

I proceeded to wak around the entire house (I live next door) and check all the doors and even look inside through the windows. All doors locked and no one was home. 

I called back and spoke to my sister and told her everything was locked and how could this happen. She was stunned and confused. I knew what it was. I told her too. I said you may not believe me but I know it's Genesis. Weird unexplainable stuff always happens around her birthday. This has got to be her. As soon as I said that she passed it off and went on to change the whole story entirely that there was no call and whatever. She can say what she wants I know it was her. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

More Lost Journal Entries

I came across an old journal and found an some entries relating to Genesis and being pregnant with my first rainbow D.

Journal~                                                 7/29/2007
        Today was my original due date with Genesis and the baby inside me isn't her. This weekend was bitter sweet. No matter how many children I go on to have, none of them will ever replace her. She is our number one! Love you always! Im approx 4 weeks 2 days pregnant. Im gonna call tomorrow to make a dr appointment. The day I found out I was pregnant I was feeling real morning sickness but it hasn't hit me since, so maybe it was just my nerves from finding out. We will see though because I didn't get sick last time till around 8 weeks. We will see. In a weird way I hope I do have morning sickness, but obviously not because I want to be sick, but because then it will give me the sense that everything is alright. Ill keep you posted.

Love Genesis & my new baby,


PS. My EDD is 4/4/2008... there is still a good chance we might have another March baby if it comes early. 

Reading my old entries takes me right back. And it also gives me so much perspective on how much I have grown. I could really feel it on Genesis birthday. This year I didn't shed one tear. Im not sure exactly why. I feel my grief has evolved once again. That doesn't mean I don't ever cry. Today I drove through Pasadena and right by the doctors office where Dr. Devore used to be and I had a flash back of that horrible day we got the terrible news about Genesis. I remember my then husband having to pull over the car because we just all had to cry. No, not cry... we were sobbing. Having that flash back in my mind made my eyes fill with tears. 

God I miss her.

Monday, March 16, 2015

8 years

Yesterday was Genesis' 8th birthday. 

Im still trying to wrap my head around how it has been 8 years. 

In the weeks leading up to her birthday I have been greeted and surprised by many winks. Including rainbows in a rainless sky on multiple occasions.

This was the first time her birthday was during the week and the rainbows have been in school. Also my brother and sister, who usually come, now are working and also had to work that day. As for my mom and dad... well Id rather not really go into too much detail but my mom recently attempted suicide again. This was mid February. She was hospitalized for almost a month. And well... lets just say the time has finally come to draw the line in the sand. And so there isn't much of a relationship there anymore. So I didn't expect them to come, and they didn't. Nor was there any mention from anyone about her or that they remembered. 

So anyway, this birthday was pretty much just our family. We made an afternoon out of it after the kids got out of school. Here are some of the photos from her special day. 

Oh and would like to add that this is the first birthday she has had since the adoption, so this year and every year moving forward we will recognize her as Genesis Magali De Leon.
{And a special thank you to my boyfriend in law (brothers boyfriend) David for helping take photos}
                           Started off the day with wearing my Genesis bracelet and my "G" urn necklace with her ashes
                        8 flowers for 8 years
  8 balloons for 8 years
                       Walking to her stone we captured this shot. I can't help but think she was there with us.
Her special day
Me & my big girl
Mommy & Daddy with Genesis
Our newest family photo. Of course there were more but for privacy this is the only one Ill be sharing.
From G
From D
From Daddy
From Mommy
From D2
And then of course we send up our messages to Genesis in our annual balloon release.

As always, I left her one flower
And I brought the rest home with me
After our visit to the park my brother came over briefly after work and gave me a hug. I knew that he remembered and wished he could be there. But aside from that no one really made any mention of it of public statement about it. 

This was my message to the world:

Until next year my love.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

And it's here

Her birthday is just over 2 weeks away. I can feel it. My soul aches. I miss her. You have no idea.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Are you kidding me

No really... Is this some sort of joke? I saw this pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook:

I didn't even know she was pregnant! A little odd she named a boy Genesis but still hurts. And I had to see this less than 24 hours before March hit. Wow. Heartbroken doesn't begin to describe it. Eff you universe. Eff you.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Some unexpected reminders from the past

I was having some issues with an email account and while trying to correct the issue I found some emails that took me back to 2007.
This email was sent back back in January of 2007. This was the confirmation that my ex husband (husband back then) and I created a baby registry for Genesis. This totally came out of the blue and stung when I saw it.

This second email is one that my brother sent to me 4/21/2007... just a little over a month after Genesis died and right after he announced he and his wife were pregnant. The photo is small so in case you can't see it this is what it says:

"Tiff & Mike
This is a difficult one because I know you are still in a time of mourning I probably have made your situation worse. I want to apologize to both of you for any comments I have ever made that affected you negatively. I wish only the best for you. Debby & I look forward to spending more time with you guys in the future. Maybe we can take a little weekend trip together some time. I know soon you'll be pregnant again and are kids will grow up together :) I love you both."

This email brings out a lot of emotions for me. What my brother is referring to is the fact that on my way home from the hospital after having Genesis he calls me on my cell phone. I wasn't even home yet, and he decided that was the perfect time to announce to me that they were pregnant. I was furious. In shock. Stunned. And before anyone who reads this thinks that this was a sweet gesture, he didn't mean any of it. Fast forward to today. He has not allowed me to have any relationship with his kids, my nephew and niece, nor does he care to have a relationship with my family. Not me, my husband or any of my kids. He doesn't recognize Genesis at all. He and I are not on speaking terms. As a matter of fact he is dead to me. As far as I am concerned he died back in high school. So reading this email again has really just made me really upset all over again. Such a liar. And no he didn't love us both ever. He was nowhere to be found when "Mike" my first husband left me while pregnant. Instead he insisted that I give him D's clothes as hand me downs to his son since he was smaller than D. Yep. He did that while I was struggling on welfare. And that little weekend trip never happened.

Monday, February 16, 2015

30 days

Yup. In one month Genesis birthday will be here once again. 8 years. Wow.
I subscribed to these mommy sites while I was pregnant with her. I unsubscribe to almost all of them after she died... Except this one. These emails are a double edged sword. At first it was too much to bear but I couldn't take myself off that lost. Maybe I wanted to feel pain. I don't know. Now I wouldn't say there isn't pain, it's just different. It still makes me miss her. But I suppose I keep the subscription because then someone remembers along with me. Even if it is an automated email. At least out there somewhere something remembers along with me. 
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