Thursday, November 26, 2015

Another turkey day

Today is thanksgiving. I also happen to be 40 weeks and 2 days. N isn't budging so we are going in tonight for an induction. I must admit it's not the birth I invisioned. No I wasn't pressured by my ob. She's perfectly ok letting me go to 41 weeks but I can't do that. Maybe it's the blm in me but my nerves cannot risk it. 

Today also marks 9 years that I found out I was a mama for the first time. I saw that positive pregnancy test and was shocked. Even though we were trying I didn't think it would happen so fast. It's even more meaningful that I'm going to start the process of N being born on this day in the very same hospital her sister was born at.

When I check in I'm going to ask if I can visit the room she was born in. I've not been back since she was born. I hope no one is using it. Id like to get a couple photos if possible. It truly is coming full circle. 

Please send prayers and white light to make sure N makes it earth side safely. And that both she and I are doing well afterwards.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

So very close

Hello Novemeber. Usually November is one of those months that I don't really look forward to... It starts my BLM calendar all over again and this Novemeber starts the 9th year for me... But this time it is bittersweet.

N is almost here! My due date is in just a matter of days. The finish line is in sight and I'm so ready to meet her. Today at my doctor appointment I saw the telltale signs that thanksgiving is just around the corner... The day that started it all for me back in 2006. I have both Genesis and N on the mind right now. We even drive past Genesis garden today. I feel bad for not being able to visit her special place for often but she is never far from my mind and heart. 

Even though I'm so close... Just a matter of days from meeting N, I worry something might happen. I get anxious at decreased movements. My mind wonders why labor and delivery will be like. Worried some complication may come up. Something unexpected. I hate how I can't just accept at this point that I will be bringing home a healthy baby girl in a couple weeks. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

A dream within my grasp

As the big day gets closer and closer I'm getting all my things ready for N's big appearance. 

As I was packing my hospital bag I packed N's coming home outfit. Complete with rainbow blanket. Seeing it there made me so emotional.

I cannot tell you what seeing this means to me. What it represents. 

It wasn't until after G was born that I saw those cute hospital hats can come with a bow for a little girl. I immediately bought one in the hopes that one day I would have another little girl to wear that. That's what you call faith. I had no idea if that wish would ever come true. It's been what feels like a lifetime, but in reality about 8 1/2 years, that I have wanted to be able to say that I have "daughters" without people looking at me like in crazy because I'm counting the ones that aren't here. I have felt robbed these last few years knowing that I should be raising daughters and I am not. I have dreamt what "daughters" playing with each other and raising them would feel like. It once felt like a dream just beyond my reach... So close in my minds eye but always unattainable.

Until now. I'm weeks... Not even months... Just weeks... Or as my dr put it "40 some days" away from this dream becoming a reality and I can hardly believe it. 

The little outfit N is going to wear is covered in pink dragonflies. That way Genesis will be there in spirit for her littlest sister. I'm just moved to tears.

Monday, September 28, 2015

An overdue update

My apologies in not writing more often these days. As you can imagine things are pretty crazy raising 3 rainbows and expecting another. 

Not too much to report. N is doing good so far. We are almost at the finish line. Not too much longer to go. As this pregnancy progresses I have more and more fears about the unknown. Like how labor and delivery will go. I fear complications.

The BLM fear is still very much here. Everyday I diligently do my kick counts at least 3 times a day or also if there are any moments I realize I have not felt her move in a while. She takes these long naps sometimes, 3+ hours, where I don't feel her and it really scares me. But this seems to be her normal. Everyday I wake up and the clock resets so to speak. Where my fear renews each day and I wonder if this will be the day I don't feel her move. The day something happens. I can picture myself saying "oh... I only made it to ____ weeks this time..." I have already had a first and second trimester loss, I fear the one I have not experienced yet... third trimester loss. Sigh. I find that I am excited to have N be born but I also feel like I have not allowed myself to fully bond. I mean I have bonded but not 100%. I think the fear is holding me back. Even though I am getting so close I still have trouble picturing bringing her home and being a family of 6. Its almost like an unattainable dream. I don't recall being like this with my last rainbow... then again I don't really recall a whole lot. That time goes by so fast. Well, here is continuing to have faith and hoping for the best.

As a side note, I really have not dreamt much about N this pregnancy. But in the last week or so I had two dreams about her. I saw her as a dark little baby just like G was in one dream but then in another I saw her as a light baby just like D. I really wonder who she will look like. At least she was born full term and healthy in my dreams.

In other news, I was re-reading some old blog posts and I have really seen myself evolved over time. My thought process has changed, my triggers have changed, my outlook has changed. I mean it makes sense... but its just interesting to see it in print change throughout the years. 

Anyway, Im glad I have this special place to reflect on all my thoughts regarding this lifelong journey.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Another school year

Today was D & G's first day back at school. They are finally in the same school. Something they had been looking forward to for a long time. D is now a second grader and G is now in kindergarten. 
As I was taking the kids to school, while stopped at a stop sign, we saw a hummingbird right next to the car. Made me think of Genesis. I thought maybe it was a sign that she was with the kids today on their first day of school. But I brushed it off. Then a few minutes later I stopped at a signal and this was the license plate of the car in front of me. The "GEN" caught my eye. It confirmed what I knew. It was a wink from her. She would have been starting 3rd grade this year... Sigh... But I know she is looking after her younger brothers and sisters.
As D & G ran eagerly to start school, I couldn't help but also envision an 8 1/2 year old headed to her first day of 3rd grade.

Monday, August 17, 2015

From the mouth of babes

D just told me he thinks ghosts are real. I asked him why. He told me he feels taps on his forehead when he sleeps. I tried to excuse it and tell him it's probably his sweat since its been so hot here. Then he tells me he feels pokes on his legs at night. Again I tried to sort of reason with him because I don't want him to be scared or anything. Then he tells me he thinks it's Genesis.bI asked why he thinks that. He said that he misses her and wants her to come back. I asked him if he wanted it to be her and he said yes. But only if she's nice. I said of course she would be nice, she's your big sister. But again I passed it off as nothing and told him not to worry. He seemed please with my replies. But seriously broke my heart. Wow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

8 years ago today...

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