Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Winks galore

Last night I posted some of the photos from our family session on Instagram and I saw this list of notifications:
Yeah, you see what I see. 3/16. Her birthday. Totally a wink. A few minutes later this popped up in my Instagram newsfeed: 
The username of the last comment had the name Genesis. Totally another wink. And today was G's first day of school and as we were outside going to the car a hummingbird came up to G and I. And guess what, there is a girl named Genesis in G's class... Again. Not a coincidence. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

A little morning wink

As I was changing D2 this morning, I heard a little chirp next to the window in front of us. I looked and saw not one but TWO little green hummingbirds sitting on a wire right outside the window. I had my camera on me so I quickly tried to take a picture. One flew away as I took the photo. And the camera instead focused on the screen on the window instead of the birds. Oh well, at least I saw it. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Rainbows

So this last Monday we had our family photos with our Genesis bear. I have not seen all the pics yet. But I did get one photo sent to me as a preview. As always, I dont like publicly sharing photos of the rainbows but this was too cute not to share. So look past the stickers and just focus on what this photo represents.
Seriously. Does this not bring you to tears? This is as close to a photo as I will ever get with all of them together. Sigh.

Which brings me to my next topic. I created the photo here to the left today as part of the #yogagirlchallenge. Today's challenge was to be creative. So this is me doing something that I have wanted to do for a while. 

Obviously rainbows have a huge meaning to me. Some people thing that by having a rainbow baby, you somehow get over the child you lost. As if somehow children can replace children. There also is this stigma that you should only have a certain timeframe to grieve. Well I'll be hitting 8 years in March. My grief has evolved over time and will continue to do so throughout the rest of my life. The tears dont fall as often. But I do have moments that break my heart all over again. The "should have's" that remind me. And that terrible question of "how many kid do you have" that I never know how to answer. Child loss is a loss unlike any other. A husband that loses a wife is a widow. I child that looses its parents is an orphan. But a parent that looses child... there is no word for that. That's how terrible of a loss that is. And its something that a parent will NEVER get over. So yes I have 4 children. 3 I hold in my arms and 1 I hold in my heart. You cant have the rainbow without the storm...BUT it doesnt mean the storm never happened. So despite how many rainbow I have now or have in the future, I will always be missing my first daughter Genesis. 

On to a totally different topic. The other day my mom and I were talking. Something we dont do often. And she brought up how she feels socially awkward and how she has anxiety. I told her that there was a time when I went through the same thing. I still struggle at times with it but its not debilitating like with my mom. So I was trying to comfort her and let her know that she wasnt alone and that I knew where she was coming from to an extent. I went on to explain how when you loose a child people sort of make you an outcast. They stop talking to you. You dont know how to act around them... all you BLMs know what Im talking about. Well she cut me off and told me "you really need to stop that... stop this Genesis thing." I was taken aback and was like what are you talking about. She started in so many words to tell me to get over it. I stopped her right there. Fighting back the tears I told her I will never stop speaking my daughter's name even though some people cant handle me talking about her. I love all my children the same and will live every last day I have left telling her story. Speaking her name. Loving her. My mom tried to imply I misunderstood or something saying "no thats not what Im saying..." and went on to once again tell me to get over it in a different set of words. At that point I just had to excuse myself and leave. 

Im not sure why I keep talking to her. Perhaps because I live in the building they own. Sigh. My mom and I dont talk much as she is emotionally unstable and she can crack at any moment if even looked at the wrong way. So I let her be. That way I cant be blamed for anything. Right? No. She finds a way to blame me for stuff still. Sigh. I have not been able to look at my mom in the eyes for years. Probably since she attacked me while I was pregnant with D. She made it worse through the years when she attacked me again when I was pregnant with G and went so far as to punch me in the stomach and spit in my face. Even calling the cops on me after she assaulted me. I refused to press charges then. And then it got worse as she told me that G was a mistake and that I shouldnt have had her. And how after each child I have she tells me not to have anymore. I going to share something I have not shared before on here. I had a good childhood in terms of living in a nice neighborhood, going on vacations, going to the best schools and so forth. However when it came to discipline my parents were very strict. Mostly my mom. When we got spanked, we got beat. Bad. With any object that would be in arms reach. A shoe, a belt, a wooden spoon... you get the idea. While many believe this to be a good form of discipline, I disagree. I had nightmares for years that I was running from my mother. She was chasing me trying to hit me. Hurt me. Punish me. I would wake up crying in a cold sweat in my dreams. These dreams followed me into my mid 20's and beyond. Its been about 5 years or so since I have had any of these dreams. But I honestly believe that I was traumatized by what I went through. Im not stating this to get pity or to get her in trouble. It simply aided in making me who I am today... and what to NOT do with my own children. But I think that was the beginning of the damage to our relationship. It only grew and escalated through the years. 

At any rate, Im just getting this out of my system and just venting here on my little ol blog. Releasing this negativity. Thats another reason I dont like being around her. Her negativity and drama bring me down and Im looking for the exact opposite. Her energy is toxic and I cant be around it for too long. 

But as far as my mom and Genesis go... I dont plan to bring up Genesis anytime soon. Or really talk to her for that matter.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

A complete family

Yesterday for the first time ever er took family pictures with Genesis. 

Let me explain.

Anytime I like to include her in our photos I usually wear a piece of jewelry that reminds me of her. My Genesis bracelet or my "G" urn necklace. But this session was different. We did something thay I had been longing to do for quite some time. It was the first time (not the last) that we included Genesis in our photos by having her Genesis Bear (from Molly Bears) with us in the photos. I saw some of the pictures on the photographer camera and it brought a tear to my eyes. To see th kids snuggling up to her and even having Marlon hold her was amazing to me. My family is as complete as it will ever be. 

I wore this to the shoot:
The shorter necklace was a necklace Marlon bought me. It's a rainbow moonstone. Fitting: rainbow. And the longer one is my "G" urn necklace for Genesis. Genesis and my rainbows. I thought it was perfect. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Hello wink

The pink headed hummingbird just paid me a visit :)

Enlightened

It took years for me to see things differently. I mean, after Genesis died, everything changed instantly. Everything.

What I thought I knew.
How I see life.
My faith.
My purpose.

The list goes on.

But after she died, even after my first rainbow, I would see the world in color no more. Just shades of grey. I was thrilled I had a rainbow but I dont think I could honestly say I was happy. Is there such a thing as being happy after your child dies? I would have never thought so.

But as time went on my thought process changed. 
My interpretation changed. 
My vision changed. 
I changed. 

Im continually changing. Growing. Becoming better.

Going through the things I went through, not just losing Genesis... but everything thereafter, has honestly made me wise beyond my years. 

I have learned to see the miracles in the smallest things. 
Find beauty in the most lost places.
See the light in the darkest of times.
Know the value in even the smallest thing.
I treasure everything.
Life is a gift. 
Everyday is a gift.

And I am blessed. Yes, lets say that again. I am blessed. 

I AM BLESSED.

Blessed beyond what I ever imagined I could gain in life.

I have become more spiritual rather than religious. Though dont automatically label me as not believing in God or belonging to a certain faith or practice. What I have evolved into is not something that can fall into one category. Its a collection of beliefs and practices that feels right for me. For my family. For life. And its a ever growing knowledge of what is right for me.

I am so blessed to say that I feel as though I am in a place in my life where I am enlightened. I have found enlightenment. I wish to continue that and enhance it. 

I am more connected to my soul. To Mother Earth and nature. I am increasingly more sensitive to my intuition. I am learning to go with my gut. 

I am trying very hard not to care what others think of me... after all its none of my business. I am following my own path, not that which others expect me to walk. I am being true to me. After all, this is my life. No one else's. And when this life comes to an end I dont want to have any regrets. 


I feel so incredibly blessed to have found this level of enlightenment at such a relatively young age. Some people will go their whole lives not knowing this feeling and the thought of that makes me so sad. To not know this incredible experience and feeling... this way of life. But I am not taking this gift for granted and thats why I am pursuing what my intuition tells me that I need to do.

I feel that I could have never gotten here had it not been for the experience of Genesis. Her death was not in vain. Now Im not saying her death was a blessing. Im not saying Im glad she died or that things are better this way. Trust me if I could bring her back I would. In a heartbeat. However we all know thats not the way things work. 

What I am saying is that this event happened. 
My daughter died.
She could not be saved.
There was nothing I could do to have prevented it.
Shit just happens.

BUT

This is the beauty that comes from the ashes. And better to have beauty rise from the dust than to let that fire leave negativity and distruction lingering for eternity over her death and have nothing good come from it. 

I choose to see the positivity.

I choose to see the light.

I choose to realize that her death was not in vain.

I choose to recognize that I grew from this experience.

And for that, I am a better person.

7 years out and I can now feel her presence through the blessings that have been bestowed upon my family and I. Its not just in one aspect but all. 

At any rate.... I leave you all with this last quote that sums me up in a nutshell:

"then, she began to breathe, and live, and every moment took her to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by. she was in love, but not in love with someone or something, she was in love with her life. and for the first time, in a long time, everything was inspiring. 
                                                          
                                                        ~ r.m. drake



An anniversary and a reminder

7/29, last Tuesday, was Genesis' EDD. She should have been born this date 7 years ago. Funny, I almost forgot the date. I happened to check an email and saw the date and remembered. 

I wasn't sad. It's just a reminder of what should have been. 

And today while browsing Facebook I saw this post:
                                             
Anencephaly. Yup. Genesis.
I clicked on the comments and the first comment I see is this: 
                                           
I can tell it's a fellow BLM by the profile picture of Carly's names in the sand. She specifically mentioned topamax. The drug I was on before I got pregnant with Genesis. Somehow I just know this blm lost a daughter to the same condition I lost mine too. I was. It expecting to see this. It tugged at my heartstrings just a bit. Made me miss her a bit more. I felt that familiar pain deep in my heart that has laid dormant for some time.

Just for a moment... I felt it again. 

It's never really gone. It's always worth me. In the depths of my soul. Sleeping. Waiting for something to awaken it again so that it stirs in my heart, soul and mind for however long it wants to. 

I'm convinced it's part of my DNA now. 
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