Friday, October 24, 2014

Another reminder of what should have been

I saw this at G's school

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 24

Forgiveness 

This is something I could probably do better with. It really is a double edge sword. 

To have lost a husband and a daughter within a 5 month window almost killed me.i think it would have been easier if he had died... Then when he left I knew didn't have a choice. But, he actually chose to leave me. It was the end of my world at that time.  My rainbow baby literally saved my life. 

I'll share bits of my story but please do not feel sorry for me. He left me during a time that I feared losing yet another baby. He gave no reason. He never looked back. I ended up losing my job because of the company going under and he stole every last dime I had in my savings account. He broke into my home and stole belongings. If it wasn't for my parents I would have been homeless. He never went to one doctor appointment. He never answered the phone when I called to tell him the baby was born. Never paid any child support or gave me any items for the baby, not so much as a diaper. As a matter of fact he has never met MY son... He's 6 1/2 now. Of course he got another woman pregnant right after my son was born and of course they were blessed with a healthy baby girl. He dragged our divorce for over 5 years and threatened me countless times that he would take my son away from me... Cuz that's the kind of guy he is. To say he hurt me would be an understatement. I cannot begin to tell you the anger I feel. 

HOWEVER had none of that happened I wouldn't have met my current husband. So this is why it's a double edge sword. I hate my ex for having put me through it but at the same time I thank him for doing it because it was a huge blessing in disguise. Do I forgive him? No. I can't say that I do. But I have found peace through it all.

Capture Your Grief: Day 23

Inspiration 

Genesis has inspired me in ways I cannot even put into words. Not only has she inspired me to be the best mother I can be, not only has she inspired me to help others coping with this same loss... But honestly, she has just inspired life over all. She has inspired me to live, love and be true to my instincts. She has opened my eyes to a life of wonder and beauty. I honestly am inspired by almost everything I see. I think of her in almost everything I do. For example I saw my shadow and I was moved to take this picture because it reminded me of the day I would get to hold baby Genesis in my arms again. Standing in a golden sunset. Watching our shadows stretch across the land. Stuff like this moves me daily. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wink

I saw this back on 10/10
I totally see something

Capture Your Grief: Day 22

Self care
This year not only have I made my spirituality a priority but also my health. It's so easy as a mom to put everyone first before yourself. Sadly I have neglected myself for years. I was able to finally get back on track this year to make sure everything is as it should be. After all I need to make sure that I am here for many years to come to watch all my children grow up.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 21

Relationship 
When Genesis died I was married to my first husband. Initially I thought her death brought us closer. Looking back, I'm not so sure. I don't ever recall talking about what happened or Genesis or coping with the loss. I wish I could tell you that's why he walked out on me 5 months later while I was pregnant with our first rainbow baby, but the truth is that I still don't know why he left.

Even though I couldn't see it then, him leaving was a blessing in disguise. It was the beginning to a path that lead me to my current husband and love of my life. Marlon came into the picture with a disadvantage. He met me after Genesis had died. I remember when we met I let him know right away I have two kids. Most guys would have turned the other way but he didn't. As we grew closer I told him I actually had 3 kids but one was in paradise. I had got to this point with one other man before and when he knew of Genesis he decided it wasn't going to work. Funny, I always knew dating as a single mom would be hard but I never thought the one who wasn't physically here would be the issue. But still Marlon stayed and got to know all 3 kids. Obviously it was a little different process getting to know about Genesis legacy. Through the years he has proven he not only is our 3 rainbow's father but Genesis as well. 

It's crazy to me that the one person who went through this with me couldn't offer support, but this man that I met 5 years after Genesis birth/death has been my rock through it all. And loves her just as I do. I am beyond blessed to have this man as the father to all my children and to call him my husband. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 20

Breathe
This year I discovered how important breathing is. I mean REALLY breathing. Being still. Being conscious of your every breath. Connecting with that moment in time and letting each breath fill your lungs. Savoring that sweet oxygen that releases your every tension and worry for that one breath. Yes mediation. What a grounding force. So very healing.
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