Thursday, May 21, 2015

The child I never counted

I have said this before.... I never really counted my chemical pregnancy as a baby. I think it was because it went away as fast as it came. I got two very faint positives by testing early (before a missed period). Those tests were so light you had to squint, have the right lighting... And even then I had to adjust the photos a bit to be able to actually see something there (click here to see the post with photos from those positive tests). I know for a fact they were not evaporated lines as they did come up right away. At any rate, I got positive tests... And of all days it was Mother's Day 2013. The day my period was due I woke up to no period. My period usually arrives in the early morning hours so no period only confirmed I was with child. But a few hours later while I was at work my period arrived. Disappointment. I questioned weather or not I was actually ever pregnant. I have struggled with feelings of guilt because I know quite a few other women who have had chemical pregnancies and they very much identified them as babies. And I just didn't see it like that. 

I had previously blogged that I talked to a medium and I was curious if I had really had a chemical pregnancy and asked if she could tell the gender. She very quickly told me "girl", and that was that. Nothing more to elaborate on. And of course we all know that readings should be taken as "entertainment" so I sort of just shrugged it off and kept my same viewpoint. 

A few months ago prior to ttc this time around, I had a dream that I gave birth to a little girl who was stillborn (you can read that post here). She appeared to be full term. I was holding her and she was already gone. In my dream I named her Exodus. I was worried that this dream might actually mean something. That I was going to have another stillborn child. I thought the name was interesting because it wasn't a name that I had ever considered before. But again, it was just a dream and I brushed it off. 

Two days ago I crossed paths with a lady who turned out to be very intuitive and had the abilities of a medium, though she didn't really consider herself one as she wasn't doing it as a business or anything. But she recognized she has abilities. I had asked her something relating to Rainbow#4 and was ready to say thank you and goodbye when she said she was getting more information. She told me that she sees I have/had 6 children. I was like well I have 5 if you count this pregnancy... Oh and a chemical pregnancy. She said yes, I see the baby from your chemical pregnancy. A girl. She is with you. She is not alone, she is with her sister. She said the two of them were sitting on an older lady's lap. I'm guessing Abilla. But then she told me that the baby told her what her name was. And she asked me if I had named that chemical pregnancy. I said no. She said it sounds like she's saying her name is Alexis. Immediately I knew she meant Exodus. If someone were whispering that name it could totally sound like Alexis. I told the media about my dream from mhm ago  and she said yes, that's it. Exodus. That's her name. I was and still am in shock. I feel like my view has changed a bit. I'm still confused and not sure how to process all this. But I do know that I want to acknowledge that baby moving forward as Exodus. I don't know that I would identify as 6 kids publicly though. It's still certainly different for me than recognizing Genesis. In not even sure I can explain how. But I wanted to come here to not only document everything but also to formally introduce Exodus De Leon. To think, she would be a month older than D2. Wow.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

This Mother's Day has brought out a lot of memories and emotions. Not just today but the weeks leading up to today.

I have fond memories of Mother's Day 2010. G my first living daughter was born 2 days before and we were able to go home on Mother's Day. It was such a gift. 

I also found myself going back to when Genesis was born. And how I went to visit her at the mortuary a few days later. And my regrets for not taking pictures of her. I also regret not taking pictures WITH her. I have photos of me holding each of my rainbows right after birth. How I wish I had a photo of me holding Genesis. Sigh.

Today I also find myself thinking of Abilla. I miss her dearly. It's not that she was a mother to me... But I loved her like she was my mother. The love we had was so strong. 

And then of course the thoughts of my own mother. If you have been following my blog for a while you know we don't have the best relationship. Mostly I blog about her lack of support in remembering Genesis. But it's so much more than that. I suppose I read a trigger online today that said something along the lines of "I play the part of supporting my friends who complain about fighting with their mothers... But I would give my right arm to be able to fight with mine." I don't know the context, perhaps their mother has departed and I totally understand that. But this did have an impact on me. So forgive me if I don't have a great relationship with my mom. Forgive me if I don't wish her a happy Mother's Day. 

Maybe it's all the little things, like her lack of support in keeping Genesis memory alive. Or the nasty insults she's told me over the years. Perhaps it's because she blames me for most if not all her problems. Maybe it was all the times I was beat at a child. Maybe it was that I was haunted by nightmares of her up until my mid 20's. I suppose it could be bigger things like how she made me lose my job and encouraged me to live on welfare. Or maybe it was the time I was pregnant with D and she threw a glass at my head. Or perhaps it was when I was pregnant with G and she punched me in the stomach and spit in my face..... (That spit hurt more than anything physical she had ever done to me. A few weeks ago I had a flashback of that evening and it left me sitting in my car sobbing) Or the constant lies she has told me. Maybe it's the fact that each suicide attempt she has made she blames me for it somehow. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So please forgive me if I don't put this woman on a pedestal and give her praise. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Baby #5, Rainbow Baby #4

Since the cat is out of the bag, I would like to formally introduce rainbow #4! Last week we got to see our tiny baby for the first time and see that beautiful heartbeat! 
I have to tell you, this pregnancy has been by far the toughest so far. And I don't believe it's the actual pregnancy. Being pregnant I'm sure you already know the mamas immune system is compromised and more suseptable to sickness. Well since the very beginning of ttc, tww and conception, I had been sick with a nasty cold. I had symptoms for weeks and finally got over it around 4 weeks pregnant. A few days later I got ill again. This time VERY ill. I had super high fevers of 102 and 103 for 4 days. The chills, sweats and vomiting were getting to be too much so I went to the urgent care and was misdiagnosed. Basically I was told nothing was wrong just a minor infection. The next day I got even worse and went to the ER. I was diagnosed with strep that had turned to pneumonia. I got placed on the meds I needed and within a few days I felt so much better. However, by the time I finished my medication a few days later a new sever symptom popped up. 

Debilitating chest/ back pain. It felt like I was having a heart attack. It was worse when laying down. And only on my right side. Breathing hurt. Moving hurt. It was terrible. After suffering with this every evening for 4 days I went back to the urgent care. They did an EKG to test to see if it was my heart. It wasn't. They did an x ray (baby was protected) to see if my pneumonia was still there. It wasn't. They did blood tests but o never got any sort of results back. The doctor told me he suspected a blood clot but they didn't have the equipment to test and wanted me to go to the ER for a CAT scan. Like are you kidding me? CAT scans have 100 times more radiation than x rays. I left the urgent care and consulted with my OB. She and I agree that the it doesn't actually sound like I have a blood clot. If they seriously suspected that they wouldn't have discharged me. They would have transferred me by ambulance to the ER. She told me it sounds like my gallbladder and gave me a few tips to help treat it. I did some homework and the more I find the more I agree with her that it's my gallbladder. So I have some testing to do, changes in my diet to make and we will see what happens.

This has been so difficult for me so far. Physically. And even emotionally. I think  I'm more scared in this rainbow pregnancy than I was for the others. I'm not sure why. Although pregnancy is miserable for me, especially this time around, it's totally worth it and I do know how blessed I am. I pray that this little baby make it safe and sound in November. 

But this pregnancy has opened my eyes that in older now and my body responds differently than it had in the past. It's much harder. And I have 3 kids now to run after and deal with pregnancy. It's exhausting. As each week passes by I think I'm beginning to realize that more than likely this will be our last baby. It's a hard pill to swallow but I just can't keep going through this. We shall see though. A lot can change in the next few months and years. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Something odd

Something odd happened on Genesis birthday. My dad was out with my mom and sister in the evening and he called me from his cell phone. We had this exchange:

My dad: Hi Tiffany, you didn't happen to call me just now from our home phone did you?

Me: Call you? No. 

My dad: You're not at our house right now?

Me: No, why?

My dad: Do you know if your brother is home?

Me: No he's not home. No one is home.

My dad: What? Really? 

Me: Yeah why?

My dad: I just got a missed call from our home number on my cell phone. I called back and no one answered. Can you check the house to make sure we kicked all the doors and no one is there?

Me: sure

I proceeded to wak around the entire house (I live next door) and check all the doors and even look inside through the windows. All doors locked and no one was home. 

I called back and spoke to my sister and told her everything was locked and how could this happen. She was stunned and confused. I knew what it was. I told her too. I said you may not believe me but I know it's Genesis. Weird unexplainable stuff always happens around her birthday. This has got to be her. As soon as I said that she passed it off and went on to change the whole story entirely that there was no call and whatever. She can say what she wants I know it was her. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

More Lost Journal Entries

I came across an old journal and found an some entries relating to Genesis and being pregnant with my first rainbow D.


Journal~                                                 7/29/2007
        Today was my original due date with Genesis and the baby inside me isn't her. This weekend was bitter sweet. No matter how many children I go on to have, none of them will ever replace her. She is our number one! Love you always! Im approx 4 weeks 2 days pregnant. Im gonna call tomorrow to make a dr appointment. The day I found out I was pregnant I was feeling real morning sickness but it hasn't hit me since, so maybe it was just my nerves from finding out. We will see though because I didn't get sick last time till around 8 weeks. We will see. In a weird way I hope I do have morning sickness, but obviously not because I want to be sick, but because then it will give me the sense that everything is alright. Ill keep you posted.

Love Genesis & my new baby,

Tiffany

PS. My EDD is 4/4/2008... there is still a good chance we might have another March baby if it comes early. 



Reading my old entries takes me right back. And it also gives me so much perspective on how much I have grown. I could really feel it on Genesis birthday. This year I didn't shed one tear. Im not sure exactly why. I feel my grief has evolved once again. That doesn't mean I don't ever cry. Today I drove through Pasadena and right by the doctors office where Dr. Devore used to be and I had a flash back of that horrible day we got the terrible news about Genesis. I remember my then husband having to pull over the car because we just all had to cry. No, not cry... we were sobbing. Having that flash back in my mind made my eyes fill with tears. 

God I miss her.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Genesis sent a surprise for her birthday

By the time this gets posted some time will have already passed. We are keeping this hush hush for now. Four days ago I saw this 
A very faint line

I bought a first response and got this 
I was only 9 dpo so light is expected. Here is edited to better show the line. 
She's definitely pink. This was confirmed 3 days ago, March 13th... Friday the 13th. Just days before Genesis 8th birthday. I thought how amazing this would be! Finding out just before her birthday! I already looked it up, my due date is 11/24/15. A Thanksgiving baby. Thanksgiving... The day I found out I was pregnant with Genesis. Wow. Its almost too perfect. Like coming full circle. But then I tested 2 days ago and got this:
A second line but much lighter than yesterday's. Here are the two side by side for comparison.
I initially assume this was going to end as a chemical pregnancy once again just because the line seemed much lighter. Right away I already started to mourn for this baby thinking I was going to lose it. But then I got to thinking and realized how many variables there were that could have affected that test. 

I've been steadily testing with various brands and that second line seems to be getting darker. This was yesterday's test at 11 dpo.
That line is definitely making me more confident. So confident I bought a digital and tested today, Genesis birthday. These are the results. 
Do you see that?
The 1-2 means 1-2 weeks since ovulation so that means today I am 3-4 weeks. If you calculate based on my cycle I'm exactly 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Wow!

I'm just so surprised. I mean we were trying to get pregnant but I never thought it would happen as fast as it did. Two tries. Just like with D2. I'm getting girly vibes from this one. I hope I'm right. 

So without further adieu, I bring to you the missing aka secret photos we took at Genesis Garden for her 8th birthday.

From De Leon baby #5, Rainbow Baby #4


Monday, March 16, 2015

8 years

Yesterday was Genesis' 8th birthday. 

Im still trying to wrap my head around how it has been 8 years. 

In the weeks leading up to her birthday I have been greeted and surprised by many winks. Including rainbows in a rainless sky on multiple occasions.

This was the first time her birthday was during the week and the rainbows have been in school. Also my brother and sister, who usually come, now are working and also had to work that day. As for my mom and dad... well Id rather not really go into too much detail but my mom recently attempted suicide again. This was mid February. She was hospitalized for almost a month. And well... lets just say the time has finally come to draw the line in the sand. And so there isn't much of a relationship there anymore. So I didn't expect them to come, and they didn't. Nor was there any mention from anyone about her or that they remembered. 

So anyway, this birthday was pretty much just our family. We made an afternoon out of it after the kids got out of school. Here are some of the photos from her special day. 

Oh and would like to add that this is the first birthday she has had since the adoption, so this year and every year moving forward we will recognize her as Genesis Magali De Leon.
{And a special thank you to my boyfriend in law (brothers boyfriend) David for helping take photos}
                
                           Started off the day with wearing my Genesis bracelet and my "G" urn necklace with her ashes
                     
                        8 flowers for 8 years
         
                                       
  8 balloons for 8 years
                   
                       Walking to her stone we captured this shot. I can't help but think she was there with us.
Her special day
Me & my big girl
Mommy & Daddy with Genesis
Our newest family photo. Of course there were more but for privacy this is the only one Ill be sharing.
From G
From D
From Daddy
From Mommy
From D2
And then of course we send up our messages to Genesis in our annual balloon release.



As always, I left her one flower
And I brought the rest home with me
After our visit to the park my brother came over briefly after work and gave me a hug. I knew that he remembered and wished he could be there. But aside from that no one really made any mention of it of public statement about it. 

This was my message to the world:

Until next year my love.

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