A little reminder

Just now, while I was sitting here at my desk at work. I looked at the screen and saw her name. Yes, it said Genesis on my computer out of nowhere. Turns out there was a new company that joined signed up for our services and I now see it listed on the roster. The company had the name Genesis in it. I love seeing little reminders like that. Makes my heart smile.

I love you baby girl.

Always.

More support

I was talking with Mr. M like I occasionally do and the topic shifted to the online community of BLMs and the support I got. We then got to talking about the Walk To Remember and I was telling him about the annual 5k and that October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. As I was talking he quickly interrupted me and said "I want to go with you from now on." He stopped me in my tracks. Wow. I didn't even have to ask or hint or anything. He knew this was a big thing for me and wanted to support me in this. He was very impressed that I did this with the kids every year and wanted to make sure he was also a part of this for me. He continues to blow me away. I love how he supports me with Genesis and allows me to speak of her freely. I am one lucky woman.

A new someone

I had beed dating a new guy for a little while now and over the weekend he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. Being the amazing man that he is, I of course said yes. This is a HUGE deal to me. This is my first actual relationship since my divorce. This is the first time I am in a relationship as a mother and its all new. Exciting yet terrifying. There were quite a few things I was looking for in a partner that I was not willing to negotiate on. A couple of these requirements were that this person knows about Genesis and realizes I have 3 kids not 2. Recognizes that her life counted though it was short, and that she is forever loved and remembered. Someone that will allow me to speak her name, reminisce and miss her. More importantly, someone that will love her because I love her. And someone that will support me in keeping her memory alive.

Of course I will also need someone who will take on that father role for the kids I do have with me still. Who will take care of them and come to love them and all that obvious stuff. In line with that, someone that can accept how I got pregnant with G because I know that its not a typical situation and some people have been very quick to judge. These along with some other major things were things that I needed in a partner.

I am happy to say that I found that in an incredible man. For privacy reasons, I will refer to him as Mr. M. He has already shown me and my kids such love and support that I am blown away. He saw some pictures that I took of Genesis' 5th birthday this last March and how I took her flowers and such, and he told me he wished that he had known me then so that he could come with me and show his support. He said he would have brought her flowers as well. He lets me talk about her all I want without judgement and one time while talking to her he even broke down and cried. This is a huge deal as he doesn't cry easily, even when his ex father in law (who he was very close to) passed away. He was even surprised by it. He has a really good heart. We talk a lot about the future and said he would consider it an honor if he could join me in remembering Genesis on her birthday every year and any other time during the year that I wanted.

I think this is the beginning of something really really good.

Secrets

I recently came across a website that had an interesting concept behind it. Its a place where people can anonymously share their secrets, whatever they may be. Some of them are shocking, surprising, a bit odd, funny and sad. Its one of these sad confessions/secrets that stabbed me in the heart this morning. I came across this one:

Seeing this literally made me hold my breath and sort of close my eyes and shake my head... because I knew all too well.

It's really a shame that we have to live with these secrets and feel we can't just speak freely about our feelings. We have to submit these confessions on websites like these or blog about it as I do here on my own blog because the world generally doesn't accept a grieving mother's thoughts.

But I too feel that I may have caused Genesis' condition somehow. I have previously posted about the connection between anti-seizure medications (Topamax) and neural tube defects like Anencephaly. I always wonder if she still would have had this had I not taken the medication. And though I wasn't on that medication long, and I didn't take it often, and I was not on it while ttc or while pregnant... I still feel it had a part. How could I not? Sigh.

He always remembers her...

I seriously cannot tell you how much it means to me that my brother actively remembers Genesis. He really is the one person who really remembers her just as I do. For a while I thought I was alone in remembering her until he stopped hiding the fact that she was on his mind constantly. It feels fantastic having even just one family member sharing her memory with me like that. I went online today to see this:

He put her stone as his Facebook banner photo. Little things like this make me so very happy. And he didn't tell me he did it. He does things like this out of his own initiative. It seriously means the world to me. I love how much love my brother has for all my kids. 

Reminders

Over the last few weeks there have been subtle reminders that have crossed my path that this world is full of grieving parents. The other day I came across this vide on CNN.


If you recall, Mike Tyson had a 4 year old daughter name Exodus that died in a tragic accident at home in 2009. Of course I related to this story as a mother of a daughter who died but it also touched my heart as this little girl was named after a book in the bible as well. The book after Genesis. 


Then I was driving home from work one day and there was a white van in front of me. It looked like it was some sort of transportation vehicle for a hospital or medical office or something. On the back it said "Donated by _____ & ____ (I forgot the names) in memory of their son ____". 


Then today CNN aired an older video from right after the tsunami in Japan. You can click here to view it. 


All these things remind me that sadly, I am not alone in this horrific club. There was a line in the CNN video that stuck with me, "...mourning a loss that defies lives natural order...." Im reminded of this daily. It's always there reminding me. 

Am I looking too much into this

This is a picture of the flowers I gave my sister and my mom the day of Genesis' birthday 10 days ago.


They look very much as I would expect 10 day old flowers to look. My mom takes care of flowers quite well, giving them fresh water and putting them by a window for sunlight.

I on the other hand do not have a green thumb at all. I simply grabbed a cup filled it with water and stuck the remaining flowers in. They are not near a window or anything. This is a picture of my flowers 10 days later.


They look almost just as fresh as the day I bought them with the exception of slight browning on the tips. Is this weird? Does it mean something? Ok maybe I want it to mean something... I'm not sure... But it did strike me as a little odd... Thoughts? (feel free to slap the silly out of me ;) )