Friday, February 3, 2017

A final goodbye

Even though we moved about 5 months ago, my parents were still living in the home we moved out from. The sale of the house is set to be final sometime next week. I went yesterday to say a final goodbye to the house that has held memories since 2001. We moved into this house when I was about 17 years old. Still in my late childhood/ early adulthood. I moved out for about 2 years from 2004-2006. Then came back and lived there until this last August. It holds memories from around my high school graduation, my college years, my dating , my fist marriage, the conception of all my kids, the death of 2 of my children (stillbirth and miscarriage), my divorce, my second marriage, first steps, first words, first almost everything for all my rainbows.... there is a whole lot of memories in these walls.

Probably the most special place, you already know Ive blogged about it before, is the kids room. Initially it was made for Genesis. She died before I got to finish it but I was determined to have rainbows grow up in this room and I finished it even before I had a living child. So much emotion went into this mural. I did eventually have D & G use this room. Both as babies and older children. Because of how small the room is, and also because of how young D2 & N were, they never got a chance to use this room. Of course I would use it to hold their clothes in the closet and change their diapers on the changing table... but they never got a chance to sleep there. They didn't play with their toys there. They didnt really get to make any memories in this room. And for that I am a little sad. This is the only time the younger two have been in this very special room. They loved the koi fish. Im only sorry they didnt get to enjoy this room more. This will probably be the last time I lay eyes on this mural. I have no idea who the new owners are or their plans for the room. Id be surprised if they kept it. But either way I would have no way of knowing what they end up doing.

I have made it a tradition to leave a little note behind each one of our homes. After all, it housed so many memories between 2001-2016.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Feeling it

In the last week, there have been a few instances where I am suddenly filled with sadness. The tears have filled my eyes until they could hold no more. The tears just flowed. And I knew exactly why. 

Its that time of year again. 

Where new years resolutions are quickly replaced by hearts and flowers for Valentines Day.

And yes, in some places you will already see the rainbows, pots of gold and clovers for St. Patricks Day.


I still cant believe yet another is approaching. 

Not just any, but her 10th birthday.

I feel like a decade is some sort of milestone. I try to reflect back at how far I have come and yet how part of me haven't moved an inch in 10 years. It's so very hard to describe. 

I thought I would have a bigger "celebration" or Im not sure what to call it.... but I though that somehow I would do something bigger than just go to see her at her stone. I mean I will for sure do that but I feel like 10 years needs to be even more special. I just don't know how. Ive casually mentioned to my mom that Id like for her and my dad to be there. They are currently selling their home and this is the week they need to leave so I was sort of brushed off. I honestly doubt they will remember. I asked my sister to go, but she is working. Genesis birthday lands on a Thursday this year. My brother did tell me that he would be there and I cannot tell you how much that truly means to me. But honestly, Im not sure how to do anything bigger. I mean.. its not like people will come. I have so little support. But anyway... Im not sure what the days events will bring just yet. All I know is that I need to get started in ordering her balloons and flowers. 

Sunday, December 25, 2016

A Dream

I had a very odd dream about Genesis last night. I was at a mortuary, not the one that actually cremated Genesis. It was just a random building that was a mortuary. I went in trying to figure out where Genesis was and what happened to her. I was looking through the records of our "services".In reading it I saw that the records showed that I died while I was pregnant with Genesis. I remember thinking this was a little odd since obviously I was alive. But I accepted the fact that I had died and that it was some prior life or something. The director of the facility, a bald white man with a white long beard and glasses, told me that Genesis had been "extracted" from my body. I remember I was shocked when he told me the news. They couldn't tell me why they removed her from my body. And they couldn't tell me what happened to her. Where her body went and what was done. I remember being so mad that they lost my daughter. In a very odd twist part of the file I was reading over, also showed that D and G died as well. I remember thinking he died at 4 years old... that would put G at 2 years old.. Then I looked at the director and said I cant believe its been 4 years and that D would have been around 6 years old (yes I know the numbers don't add up, but thats what was in my dream).... then he corrected me and told me that D would actually be 11 today. My jaw hit the floor. I told him I couldn't believe how much time had passed. In a strange twist, in my dream I still had D and G alive though. They weren't in my dream but I remember thinking that D and G were at home. Like there were two sets of D & G. Kind of like there were two of me. Its strange and I cant even begin to explain it. Anyway, I started crying and felt the pain of losing D & G as if it just happened... it sort of felt like this was the first I heard of it but seeing the records reminded me that they died.... so so strange. But I was sobbing so uncontrollably. I remember leaving the mortuary and telling a woman I was with that I was going to consult with a lawyer because they lost genesis body. SO WEIRD.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

A visit on an anniversary

I woke up this morning and remembered that I had a dream regarding Genesis. There was a young boy in the dream maybe about D's age and he was holding a newborn baby girl. This boy somehow knew my family and looked at me while holding this baby saying "(baby's name that I can't remember) was born just after Genesis died." I remember thinking "um okay..." Then this boy just decides to talk to me about Genesis which surprised me because I didn't even think he knew about her. He asked me nonchalantly "What were her interests and likes in life?" I didn't respond right away because his question surprised me. He spoke of her as if she had lived outside of me. After a long pause I replied "Well, she loves her family. She has a very strong sense of family." Of course I knew that because of all the signs Ive gotten from her and how she lets me know she is around. Then I continued "I don't know what her interests and likes were because she never got a chance to live life." Then later on in my dream I felt like her spirit was trying to make contact. I could feel her presence. I felt this weird feeling of like an electrical current run through me. And that was pretty much my dream. 

As I was telling my husband about my dream this morning he tells me he had a dream too. Told me he and I were in my car and I was driving. When suddenly I got this shocked look in my face and basically froze while pushing on the gas pedal. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I saw something. Something having to do with like a spirit or something. Although he couldn't recount the dream 100% with all the details he thought it had something to do with Genesis. Maybe I saw her or something. 

I found it a little surprising that we both had a dream about Genesis. 

Then it hit me.

Today of all days it is very significant that we both had a visit from Genesis in our dreams.

10 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with my first child. With Genesis. Wow. 

Today my BLM new year begins its 10th year.

A decade. 

No wonder my girl decided it was an important time to visit and let me know she is near. 

And now I basically countdown the days till her birthday. 

My god. Where did 10 years go.

I would have a 10 year old. 

I miss her just as much now than ever before.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

A Winner

A couple days ago I entered a raffle to win a gorgeous carved goddess. She's made of Rainbow Obsidian. (You know I love rainbow anything lol) I bought two tickets and I had to choose a number between 1 and 50 for each ticket. I don't have lucky numbers or anything so I had to think about which numbers I would pick. 16 came to mind first because of Genesis' birthday. Then I thought of Exodus. I said, well she didnt really have a birthday because she was never born, so what day do I associate wit her. The day I found out I was pregnant with her, which was mothers day 2013. Which happened to be 5/12/13. So I picked 12. After I picked it, I had a very certain feeling that Exodus was going to have a hand in me winning this statue. I can't even explain how I knew it. I just had a feeling. I actually visualized myself winning. But at that point I thought it was just positive thinking. Well, lo and behold the next morning I find that they did in fact pick 12, Exodus' number, and I won. I could not believe it. Im still stunned. 

In other news, last night I had a dream about Genesis and Exodus. Together. I saw them as small infants. Maybe about a year old maybe two. Unfortunately they were not alive. They were laying in bed with me as I had N on the other side of me. (sounds really morbid I know) and N was asleep and someone else was in the room with me but I don't know who. They said don't move the babies (Genesis and Exodus) because it would tickle them. I accidentally moved them and they started giggling and kicking. But as soon as I stopped moving so did they and they went back to being dead. Im telling ya, I can't wrap my head around this weird dream. It happened a few times where I would move and they would start giggling and kicking and rolling over. The whole time I didn't really get a good look at them. I think I saw the one closest to me a little better but Im not sure. They never opened their eyes. And I don't know who was who. I remember they had light skin and dark hair. The girl I saw better had curly hair, and it was somewhat short. I woke up and felt really sad and a little freaked out by my dream. Im not sure what it means if anything. But one thing is for sure, I def think my girls visited me and thats why I had a dream about them. Its the first dream Ive ever had that they were both in the dream together.

Oh, and last night we saw a shooting star. Although I'm not sure if thats the accurate term. Meteor? Is that it? It was very low in the sky, and it lasted a while. We saw it white at first then some green flames before it disappeared just over our home. It was D's first shooting star. I don't think any of the other rainbows actually saw it. We were in the car and just arriving back home from a wedding we attended.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My BLM new year

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Winks in the most unexpected places

I posted a comment on Facebook on a public post and got many likes for it. One of likes came from this woman. It made me smile.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...