Sunday, March 1, 2015

And it's here

Her birthday is just over 2 weeks away. I can feel it. My soul aches. I miss her. You have no idea.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Are you kidding me

No really... Is this some sort of joke? I saw this pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook:

I didn't even know she was pregnant! A little odd she named a boy Genesis but still hurts. And I had to see this less than 24 hours before March hit. Wow. Heartbroken doesn't begin to describe it. Eff you universe. Eff you.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Some unexpected reminders from the past

I was having some issues with an email account and while trying to correct the issue I found some emails that took me back to 2007.
This email was sent back back in January of 2007. This was the confirmation that my ex husband (husband back then) and I created a baby registry for Genesis. This totally came out of the blue and stung when I saw it.

This second email is one that my brother sent to me 4/21/2007... just a little over a month after Genesis died and right after he announced he and his wife were pregnant. The photo is small so in case you can't see it this is what it says:


"Tiff & Mike
This is a difficult one because I know you are still in a time of mourning I probably have made your situation worse. I want to apologize to both of you for any comments I have ever made that affected you negatively. I wish only the best for you. Debby & I look forward to spending more time with you guys in the future. Maybe we can take a little weekend trip together some time. I know soon you'll be pregnant again and are kids will grow up together :) I love you both."


This email brings out a lot of emotions for me. What my brother is referring to is the fact that on my way home from the hospital after having Genesis he calls me on my cell phone. I wasn't even home yet, and he decided that was the perfect time to announce to me that they were pregnant. I was furious. In shock. Stunned. And before anyone who reads this thinks that this was a sweet gesture, he didn't mean any of it. Fast forward to today. He has not allowed me to have any relationship with his kids, my nephew and niece, nor does he care to have a relationship with my family. Not me, my husband or any of my kids. He doesn't recognize Genesis at all. He and I are not on speaking terms. As a matter of fact he is dead to me. As far as I am concerned he died back in high school. So reading this email again has really just made me really upset all over again. Such a liar. And no he didn't love us both ever. He was nowhere to be found when "Mike" my first husband left me while pregnant. Instead he insisted that I give him D's clothes as hand me downs to his son since he was smaller than D. Yep. He did that while I was struggling on welfare. And that little weekend trip never happened.

Monday, February 16, 2015

30 days

Yup. In one month Genesis birthday will be here once again. 8 years. Wow.
I subscribed to these mommy sites while I was pregnant with her. I unsubscribe to almost all of them after she died... Except this one. These emails are a double edged sword. At first it was too much to bear but I couldn't take myself off that lost. Maybe I wanted to feel pain. I don't know. Now I wouldn't say there isn't pain, it's just different. It still makes me miss her. But I suppose I keep the subscription because then someone remembers along with me. Even if it is an automated email. At least out there somewhere something remembers along with me. 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Reminders

I had a parent teacher conference at G's school yesterday. This was waiting in the hallway to greet me.

Sigh.

At the end of our conference the teacher suddenly told me this:

Teacher: G told me that her middle name 'Genesis' is named after her sister.
Me: Yes. Her big sister.
Teacher: That's a beautiful name

At this pint G and D2 were being fussy and the conversation didn't continue but she knows D as he used to be in her class too and she has seen me bring in D2 all the time. I'm not sure if she knows the story behind Genesis. G doesn't recall if she told her or not. But I'm glad it didn't put me in an awkward conversation.

In other news G just told D that she doesn't like it when D forgets Genesis. At times he forgets to draw her in our family pictures. D says he promises to never forget. I hope so.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Wink

Early this morning around 6:30 I heard a familiar chirping outside my window. It was still a bit dark out and when I went outside I couldn't exactly see where she was, but I heard her. When my eyes adjusted I saw a little ball sitting on a bird of paradise plant. As she turned her head I could see her pink metallic feathers shining in the dark reflecting the street light. She stayed sitting there for several minutes before I had to go. What a lovely wink.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Genesis Magali De Leon

January 30th, 2015

This was one of he most important days for my family and I. D & G's adoption became finalized his day.

For those new readers or those who may have forgotten the dynamics of our family, D & G were children from my first marriage. My husband Marlon legally adopted them. It's been a long and bumpy process, but we made it and it was so worth it! The kids had been asking with anticipation how long until we all have the same last name and now that day has finally come. 

I wasn't too sure how I would react in the courtroom. My first thought though was how happy I was for D & G. But Genesis wasn't far from my mind either. After all had she been here, she would have been adopted too. My way of having her there was wearing my Genesis bracelet.
When we went inside for our turn the judge made some small talk with the kids aking them their name and age just to make them comfortable. She asked them to wak to the back of the room to a table and for each of them to pick out a teddy bear. At this point my eyes got a little misty but I was able to keep things under control.
Then the judge swore us in and had us sign a bunch of papers. She then asked Marlon a couple questions and then came the time to finalize everything. She stated "These children shall be know as 'D' De Leon & 'G' De Leon from this day forward."
The judge of course says their whole names including middle names. As she was saying their names I felt the tears fill my eyes. When she got to G's name and said her middle name... Which is Genesis, the tears just started falling. Genesis. Her name was said in the courthouse on adoption day. It was a reminder of what should have been. Made me really miss her. And being that her birthday is coming up really soon I'm already emotional about her so this really made me sad. Talk about a combination of feelings. 

As we were walking out of the courthouse Marlon tells me "Look!" I look to where he is pointing and a pink headed hummingbird is flying right in front of us. Just hovering. My brother got this photo just as she started to fly by.
She's right in the center of the photo. I just knew it was her way of sending me a wink that she was there with us in spirit and knew this would have been her day too. It was a cloudy day with light drizzle and it was odd to see a hummingbird out. 
I just had to have a photo of all their bears together when I got home. And the. Of course another one representing all the De Leon kids.
Genesis Magali De Leon <3
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