Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The birthday that never was

This absolutely speaks to me. The fact that I am pro life should really have a bigger effect on my thoughts on Exodus. The photo above stopped me in my tracks. Even though exodus didn't make it far enough to actually look like a baby that's what she would have become had she made it further along. 

I'm getting more and more comfortable including exodus and saying I have 6 children. There are still times it feels a little alward or I stop and think for a minute, but I mention and include her more often than not. 

As many of you know, I am adopted. In recent years I have had the priveledge of finding my biological family. I have an uncle on my dads side of the family who contacted me in the last couple days about a family tree he was working on. He wanted to know if I wanted to be a part of it. I agreed and he acknowledged it might be "complicated". I mean not only is there the issue of biwhether logical family vs adoptive but also about the number of children to include for me. I decided to include all the kids. Then came a question I don't quite know the answer to. He asked me what Exodus' birthday was. This was a tough one. She wasn't really born. And the day I found out I was pregnant, although it was special since it was Mother's Day, certainly didn't feel like it should be her birthday. So I decided it was the day I lost her. That would be May 13th, 2013. 

Although her due date would have been in January....She would have been 2 this month. Can you believe that? So it's weird because with the birthday I gave she would be going on 3 years this coming May... So as you can see it's still complicated. 

Friday, December 25, 2015

She knows

Today I had a conversation with my mom. We were taking about loved ones who have passed away and how it's nice for others to acknowledge the ones we lost. Of course Abilla and Genesis were part of this conversation but I also saw the opportunity to tell her about the miscarriage she never knew about. I told her the month before D2 was conceived I had a miscarriage. She sounded sorta sad for me. She asked how far along I was and I told her not far... About 4 weeks. She asked if I had a doctor appointment yet and I told her no, I lost the baby before I could schedule an appointment. She then asked if I was sure I was pregnant and I told her I was. I had several positive pregnancy tests. All different brands and types over the span of a couple days. I told her I was pretty sure it was a girl as my intuition has never been wrong and also I had a dream confirming it about a year after. I told her the dream told me her name too, her name is exodus. She of course had her opinion to share and expressed her dislike for that name. I simply replied with its a biblical name and right next to the book of Genesis which I find fitting. I left it at that. 

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Exodus

One of my sisters is going through IVF and she just did a transfer yesterday. She sent me a photo of the two blastocysts they transferred. In 8 days she should know if they implanted. 

It got me thinking. A blastocyst is a baby. It's on a cellular level yes... But the beginning of a baby. A human. We all once were balls of cells. And yet no one denies our existence as "real people". 

I instantly thought of Exodus. I found out 2 days before my missed period I was pregnant with her. So that put me approximately at 12 dpo (days past ovulation). 2 days later I miscarried her when my period arrived on time (at 14 dpo). So at 12-14 dpo I would assume at very best Exodus was a blastocyst. 

I've said it before that I struggle with my feelings with losing Exodus. I acknowledge her as my child but it's hard to do so publicly when she was just a ball of cells. I do believe I'm a mother at conception but why can't I get past the fact she didn't look like a baby? Like I said... Conflicting and even contradicting thoughts I still struggle with. 

But it this just let me expand a bit more oh who Exodus was and helped me connect to her a bit more. 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Her first wink

I do believe I got my first wink from exodus. As I was coming upon the information on the blue bird I had the tv on. And then suddenly I heard her name: Exodus. I don't think it was a coincidence. I think she was letting me know the blue bird was her. 

So Genesis's thing is hummingbirds and Exodus's thing is blue birds. I wonder why my girls picked birds. But then I got to thinking. The hummingbirds I usually get winks from are pink headed hummingbirds. And then it dawned on me. Remember my tattoo for Genesis?
A pink headed bird. My mind is blown.  I would like to get a memorial tattoo for Exodus. And I think I will definitely incorporate a blue bird.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

A wink

When N was born there was a little bird that kept coming to the window. There were quite a few birds outside but this one kept looking at our window and coming up to it. 


I've never seen a bird so beautiful before. I had a feeling she was special so I took photos. After a little digging I found out this is a blue bird. Blue birds represent love and happiness. Some also believe when one comes by it's a loved one or angel sending a message. How incredible is that?!

Another rainbow

N made it earth side safely and even though I didn't envision an induction for my birth, it was a wonderful birth. N and I are doing great.

I was going to ask to see Genesis room at the hospital but I was too emotional with the impending birth of N so that didn't happen.

Two days ago we happened to be in the area and I took N to visit Genesis stone for the first time. 

I was unexpectedly overcome with emotion. I left in tears. It just really sucks that this is the way my rainbows have to "meet" their big sister. And it only further confirms that it doesn't matter how many kids I have none can or ever will replace her. I still miss her dearly. 

As a side note, not too long ago when I went to visit the garden there was a group of people there doing some project filming something. They even put a sign up to keep people out of the garden. I of course still went to see her stone because it wasn't directly where they were filming but seeing them do that there gave me a bad feeling. Like I wasn't allowed to see my daughter any time I wanted. Well at our last visit I saw this new sign posted.
I guess it was because of that group of people. Glad they put this up. 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Another turkey day

Today is thanksgiving. I also happen to be 40 weeks and 2 days. N isn't budging so we are going in tonight for an induction. I must admit it's not the birth I invisioned. No I wasn't pressured by my ob. She's perfectly ok letting me go to 41 weeks but I can't do that. Maybe it's the blm in me but my nerves cannot risk it. 

Today also marks 9 years that I found out I was a mama for the first time. I saw that positive pregnancy test and was shocked. Even though we were trying I didn't think it would happen so fast. It's even more meaningful that I'm going to start the process of N being born on this day in the very same hospital her sister was born at.

When I check in I'm going to ask if I can visit the room she was born in. I've not been back since she was born. I hope no one is using it. Id like to get a couple photos if possible. It truly is coming full circle. 

Please send prayers and white light to make sure N makes it earth side safely. And that both she and I are doing well afterwards.
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