Friday, November 7, 2014

Reminders

My computer got fried the other day and luckily I was able to back everything up (I think), and today I have been trying to put all my data on my new computer. 

I came across a lot of forgotten photos. Some very meaningful.
This photo was taken when I was pregnant with Genesis. I recall seeing dolphins in the distance. 
This photo was when I was having my Genesis bracelet made and this was the rough sketch they sent me of it. Even like this its so beautiful.

And I mentioned it in the past but when I found out I was pregnant with Genesis my mom's dog had just had a litter of puppies not long before. One of the puppies we ended up keeping and naming Klondie. This is him.




 Wasn't he adorable? Yes you read that right... past tense. Less than about a month after Genesis died Klondie went into heart failure which I was told is very common for these little dogs. He was the runt of the litter. I remember sitting at the vets office just a few weeks after my own baby died and I was literally sitting gin the waiting room with Klondie, my fur baby, dying in my arms. I was heart broken. Below is a picture of Klondie with Sushi which I still have. I have some comfort in knowing I have part of Klondie with me since Sushi was his dad.

It also occurred to me that in the photos I took with Klondie I was actually pregnant with Genesis. Looking at these pictures makes me pause and just sort of look pack in time... thinking, wow... I had no idea how much my life was going to change in just a few months from when these photos were taken.




 I am glad though that I did come across these photos and now I have them saved here in my blog forever.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Hello November

                              
And my BLM new year has arrived. This November begins 8 years. I can't believe it. It both feels like just yesterday and an eternity ago. Sigh.
Also a few days ago my brother in law and his fiancĂ© announced she is pregnant. Going on 8 years out and 3 rainbow babies later.. Pregnancy announcements still stop me dead in my tracks. Instant panic and anxiety attack. No I'm not happy for people. Especially non loss people. I hate that I feel this was but I do. It doesn't matter if you family, related by marriage, a co worker or a stranger... Every announcement hits me the same for non loss people. 
1 in 4 people will suffer pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4. I know a few prego people and in my head I put them in a lineup and think... Statistically one of these babies won't make it. It's really hard for me to be happy for people. I unexpectedly spent some time with the mom to be yesterday and she was talking to others about all these future plans. The sleepless nights, the diapers, the cousin play dates... You know... The same dreams I once had that came crashing down. And I just sat there quietly without saying a word. She announced her pregnancy so early. Roughly 6 weeks. We all know anything can happen.... But I'm not going to scare her or burst her bubble. She is so naive...
Like we all once were. After all it's her first. She is like I once was. You see those two pink likes and think you're automatically going to bring home a baby. God do I know better. Sigh. Even my husband was a bit nervous asking if she should be taking folic acid like me. To which I said well a basic prenatal should be fine but extra folic acid wouldn't hurt. He said he wanted to tell her to get started if she isn't already. His heart is in a beautiful place. I was like him once too. Wanting to warn people and possibly save a baby's life. But people don't like being told what to do in pregnancy or in decision making for children. And when I tried to do that before it fell on deaf ears and people would say that I was paranoid and looked at me like I was crazy or something. I learned to bite my tongue unless specifically asked something. I told my husband some things unfortunately people need to learn on their own. And I hope that it doesn't come at a heavy cost like it did for me. 

Speaking of specifically being asked something... This mom to be was of course talking about old wives tales and genders and asked me if it was true for such and such for boys and true for such cases and such for girls for my pregnancies. I told her that particular effect did not happen to me for my girls. Yes I said "girls" but I don't think she caught on. This is the first time I have hinted at the fact that I have daughters with my in laws. Marlon has told them about Genesis but I have never mentioned it. Sigh. Which leads me to my next biggest anxiety attack.

If these people end up having girls. I can't handle baby girl pregnancies or hearing about it. I hate seeing them buy pink and talking about these plans.
I hate the baby names (God forbid they even hint at using Genesis), the pink baby shower. I can't do any of it. I can't. And when the baby is here I just can't hold it. I just cannot even think of it. It's too much for me. 

I have held 2 baby girls (aside from G) since Genesis died. Ththe first, I was pregnant with D and a friend of the family had a baby girl. I sobbed uncontrollably while holding that baby. All I could think of was that I should have had this with Genesis. The second time was when G was maybe a year old my cousin had a daughter. This one was easier for me but still hard. I couldn't hold her more than a couple minutes. I haven't held another one since. It's too much on my heart. I don't n ow why every pregnancy and every baby girl has to remind me of the baby that never went to term. The baby girl I never brought home. Why can't I think of one of my rainbows? It's just too much for my heart. 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 30

Sunset

Tonight was very cloudy and it even rained for a short bit so there actually wasn't much of a sunset. However my husband was watching one of his favorite shows and he called me over to show me this. I definitely think this was a wink for daddy and a fitting way to end the month. 

Tears

Yes. Real tears. I'm crying right now. My awesome brother posted this beautiful message into instagram. It moved me to tears. Sorry as always I blur out the rainbow's faces but it was so beautiful I just had to share. 
I know he revers like I do. His soul will remind him even when no one else does. His heart gets heavy like this around anniversaries and a big one is coming up on Thanksgiving Day. I just cannot express how much this means to me.
He is the only one pretty much in my family who will do this on the regular. He has such a special relationship with my kids. Even Genesis. I know he can sense her. This just was a wonderful surprise to see. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 30

Intentions 

My life intentions are to lead a full life. Radiating love. Letting beauty and wisdom from the Earth to saturate my soul. To remember that value has nothing to do with money. Wealth has everything to do with family. Feel the magic that swirls around us in the very air we breathe. And of course to let Genesis name emit from my heart so that her name be spoken from mouths even long after I'm gone. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Rainbow in the horizon

I took this photo this morning while taking the kids to school. It has such meaning for me. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 29

Reflection 

I definitely reflect back on my life. Prior to having children, having kids, and now. I sort of step outside myself and look at the timeline of my grief from that fateful day till today. My have things changed. My grief is still there... Ever evolving. But one thing remains true that I didn't know till long after. When Genesis was born... That event marked the beginning of my life. My real life.
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