The other day I was watching a movie called The Huntsman: Winters War. Like usual, I was busy at home and missed the beginning but I knew it part of it was about a queen (Emily Blunt) who lost a newborn daughter (she was killed in a fire set on purpose). So I was glad I missed that part but didn't know it would come play a part later on in the movie.
In the ending of the movie the queen is dying. She's laying on the floor and she turns and looks behind her. She sees herself holding her newborn daughter again. And she smiles even though she's dying. See photo below:
I cannot tell you how this hit me so hard. I'm crying now just looking at the photo. In the movie years and years had passed and yet this was her dying thought. She never forgot her baby. It really hit home with me. Yes I have 4 rainbows to raise and love while I'm here. And yes I am afraid of death. I'm afraid of dying. But I do have one happy aspect of it. I will be reunited with Genesis and Exodus. I will finally get to know my girls. I will never forget her and even if I'm old and grey and have lost my mind... I will think of them on my deathbed knowing I'll be with them so soon.
This morning when I was doing my workout I opened the door to let in some fresh morning air. Then suddenly I saw something moving by the door. I looked and saw a hummingbird hovering right next to the door. It wasn't flying by. It was stopped in front of our door and hovering for a couple seconds and looking inside. My cat Bailey just happened to be right there as well and was just watching this hummingbird flutter by the doorknob. It was amazing. I just knew it was a wink from Genesis on this Mother's Day. She made it so special. I wasn't quick enough to take a photo as it happened but I got a picture immediately after showing the goosebumps I got in that moment and also where I saw her.
Speaking of special, it was my first Mother's Day with 4 rainbow babies. It was wonderful. My husband helped the kids buy me a little gift. It was signed by all 6 kids. How beautiful.
And my husband wrote me a very touching post on Facebook.
He didn't mention Genesis or Exodus my name but he put "ALL" our kids on his post twice and I knew what he meant by it. He mentioned them without mentioning them. And that's ok. The poin is they were included and it meant so much to me.
A friend announced her pregnancy... And it's a girl. So this is my first girl pregnancy announcement since having N. I honestly didn't know how I would react to girl pregnancy announcements now that I have two daughters. Surprisingly it still sort of made my heart flutter... I sort of hurt a little bit. But nothing like before. But the fact that it still hurt surprised me. Will it change over time? Who knows...
Genesis has been giving me a TON of signs lately. More than usual. And Exodus too!
A couple days ago I saw this pop up on my Instagram feed.
A random person who got s tattoo from a person I follow on Instagram. They got the initials "G" and "E". What are the odds?
Last night while driving my car I noticed some smudges on the window. This wouldn't have been unusual if it were in the backseat as the kids draw on the windows all the time. But this was on the windshield on the drivers side. My husband happened to be driving and I asked him if he did that. He said no. I know I didn't do it. The kids do not come up to the front so I have no idea how it got there. Ok so here is why it caught my attention. Among the scribbles I noticed letters. The more I looked at it the more letters stood out to me. I took a photo of it but it wasn't a great picture since it was at night and the car was moving. But here is the photo and what I see.
I felt like maybe I was making myself see it. Or was I going crazy or something?? But then others said they say what I saw (I asked online). I also happened to tag a friend on the post to see if he could see it but then thought I was bothering him so I took the tag off. He later messaged me saying he did see the post. He had just gone outside to get his morning paper and saw this.
He knew this was a sign for me. He had to show me. My jaw was on the floor. Also at the time he messaged me I was actually driving... Pulling up to my home to be exact. And I was listening to the radio and this song was one.
My girls are busy letting me know they are near. This is absolutely incredible. And I was able to place Genesis balloon order today as well.
Oh and before I forget, I asked my mom if she was busy on Wednesay and she said no why. I said it was Genesis birthday and we are going to go to the park for a balloon release. She just said "oh" with nothing else and didn't even bother to acknowledge it. Sigh.
In my journey in life I have had many roles. Single woman. Then married. Then forced to be a single mom and then a single mom by choice. And now Im back to being married. I'm am a mama of 4 beautiful children. 3 I hold in my arms one I hold in my heart. 2007 was the year my life changed when my first daughter was stillborn. Little did I know my world as I knew it would never be the same.
This is a list of people regularly mentioned in my blog:
Mr. M aka Marlon~ My husband
Genesis~ My stillborn daughter
Exodus~ My daughter we lost as a chemical pregnancy
D~ My first son and rainbow #1
G~ My third daughter and rainbow #2
D2~ My second son and rainbow #3
N~ My fourth daughter and rainbow#4
Abilla~ My grandmother
What is a Rainbow Baby?
It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. Itmeans that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darknessand clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
What's a BLM?
BLM stands for Baby Lost Mama.This means that a woman has lost at least one child, weather it be a pregnancy, infant or older child loss. For more information click on the International BabyLost Mother's Day button below.
The Loss Of A Child
"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is." ~Ronald Reagan